Tag Archives: April Fool

An Intervention

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Scan 3Custodial Care interview #3: Eric Trump

Interviewer:  So, Mr. Trump you believe your father could benefit from placement in our facility?

ET:  Yes, I do; he’s lost it. Totally.

Interviewer: I see.  Could you elaborate for me?

ET:  Well, he’s always been a little long on fantasy and short on the truth…like when me and Donnie and Vannie were little and he promised us a dog.  I mean he PROMISED us!  Still waiting for that dog, man.

Interviewer:  I’m sorry to hear that; but what has he done recently to raise your concerns?

ET:  What hasn’t he done?  He’s got that damn iPhone, you know; and we can’t peel him away from it.  Last weekend he locked himself in the bathroom for three hours and just let fly.  Not a word of truth…just the biggest whoppers you ever heard!  He lies like a million times a day!

Interviewer:  What about your siblings? Can’t they do anything to make him stop?  I hear that sister of yours can really get around him.  And Don Jr.;  what about him?

ET:  Junior?  Don’t make me laugh.  His voice gets higher every time he talks to Dad.  He wants so bad to be a chip off the ol’ block that we call him “Mini Me.”  But Dad is one of a kind: a gold-plated swaggering sonofabitch who believes his own bullshit.  That’s a hard act to follow. Donnie’s brand of bullshit just makes him stink, and he knows it.  Smells like desperation.  No wonder his wife showed him the door.  I hear she’d had enough even before he started fooling  around with Little Miss Paparazzi Bait.

Interviewer:  Your sister then; surely, she has some influence…

ET:  Pu-leaase!!  All she can manage is to get more for her.  Of course it works both ways. Vanny’s got more plastic on her than a Barbie doll. She was always his favorite, but she knew she better be picture perfect or he might drop her like he did our Ma…and Tiff’s Ma…and those three Ukranian house maids we had over at the Tower.  

She’s Daddy’s little girl, alright, but even she can’t make him behave.  And that goonie husband of hers…

Interviewer: Jared?

ET:  Yeah, Jared…Mr. Know-it-all Asshole.  “Why can’t you be like Jared??”  “Jared is smart.” “Jared’s going to make my Saudi hotel finally happen.”  “Jared’s got the Sheik’s ear.”  I am so sick of him!  I really hoped he’d end up in jail like his dear ol’ dad…  

Interviewer: Yes, I see you have issues with a lot of family members,  but we’re really here to discuss your father.  What makes you think he needs custodial care?

ET: Well, I downloaded the dementia checklist and he’s got all that, plus a few extra kinks.  He’s selfish and childish. He imagines stuff.  He’s paranoid.  He repeats himself endlessly.  He’s forgotten all but about 250 actual words, which he just repeats louder and louder; and he doesn’t always manage to get even those out in the right order.  He keeps making racist, insulting and just plain crazy remarks, right out loud. I tell you, it’s embarrassing to be out in public with the guy!

Interviewer:  Yes, I see…

ET: You tell him the simplest fact and he says or does just the opposite, as many times as he can.  Like that time he watched the eclipse on the White House lawn.  Everyone told him to wear those special shades, but no, he had to be the big tough guy and stare straight into the sun. He complained for a week about the “sand” in his eyes!

… And they say I’m the dumb one.  What a moron!

Interviewer:  Yes, yes, many people wonder…

ET:  He’s destroying the family businesses…again!! He shouldn’t be allowed near an iPhone.

Interviewer:  …And think of what he’s doing to the nation….

ET:  Screw the nation!  He’s tanking our inheritance.  We’ll all end up working at Walmart.

Interviewer (aside):  Your lips to God’s ear.

Trump hires “ideal” replacement for Hope Hicks

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The departure of so-called Trump Whisperer, Hope Hicks, from the West Wing has left many staffers anxious about what new chaos tomorrow will bring.  It was therefore with great relief that they received the news that a new “Communications Director” has been hired.

The almost preternaturally silent Hick’s replacement will be a giant PEZ dispenser in the image of…you guessed it, Donald Trump.  

311924350743The lanky orange and yellow sweets dispenser will be aided in sartorial responsibilities for the president by a Deluxe Personal Valet Station from Hammacher-Schlemmer.

Henceforward, the Commander in Chief will be alternately soothed and steamed by the best team of passive enablers he could ever hope for.

Donald Trump Gives Us a Jingle

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We had the unexpected pleasure of speaking with Donald Trump himself this morning, when he telephoned our Wake-Up Hour host, W.S. Gilbert to give us a few thoughts. The live recording has inexplicably disappeared, but we can provide this transcript:

WSG: Thank you for calling-in, Mr. Trump…

DT: Don’t Mention it. I owe it to the little people who adore me to make myself available.
You know I’m all about the little people. I LOVE the little people…and the blacks…and the gays…they love me too.

…And women! The women…you know, the women love me best of all. That’s because I understand what they want. Men are always saying, you know, “I don’t get women…” Well, I get women. I cherish the women. Just ask Melania…I cherish Melania, I cherish Ivanka. They’re my precious jewels. They just sparkle! I get that sparkle; and they deserve to sparkle. I love to make them sparkle…

WSG:  Yes, yes, Mr. Trump…Now there are a few policy questions I know my listeners would like me to ask.

DT:   I’m all ears…no, not really. Ted Cruz, now there’s someone who’s “all ears!” Have you seen the cartoons of him with the big nose and the weird eyebrows? Mean…very mean, but ya gotta say, there is a striking resemblance there. Not the most attractive guy. Ya gotta wonder what’s goin’ on down there, if you know what I mean. Could you believe that Enquirer story?!! I said to Melania, “Melania honey, can you see it?” She couldn’t; she couldn’t see it. Five women??! Even one woman…!

WSG:  Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump about policy…?

DT:  Yeah, yeah…policy. My policies are HUGE. You’ve never seen such huge policies…and GREAT. I mean, I’ll give you policies that are so great you won’t believe your ears. Ha, ha…even Ted Cruz won’t believe his ears…ha, ha…but really. You know what I’m all about?

I’m all about making America great again. That’s right. We haven’t been great since…well, we haven’t been great in a long, LONG time. Let me tell you. I’ll change all that. We’re going to be winning again. We haven’t been winning, you know…and when you aren’t winning, what are you? You’re a loser, right? Am I right?

WSG:  Yes, well…can I ask you about your recent remarks on women and abortion…

DT:  Ya know, that’s not what people care about…they want to hear more about the wall I’m
going to build. Did you know I’m going to build a great big wall (it’ll be HUGE) along the border and it’s going to have a beautiful little door in it so we can let in the little people (I love the little people)…and you know who’s going to pay for it don’t you? Mexico…

WSG: …But, Mr. Trump my listeners want to know if you really mean to punish women who have abor…

DT:   Gilly, Gilly… you don’t mind if I call you Gilly, do you? Gilly, you know I love the women, but when they’re bad, they’ve got to be punished. Right? You know my lovely daughter Ivanka?
Isn’t she lovely. You know, I cherish Ivanka; but when she is bad she has to be punished. Right? So I punish her…out of love. That’s what a parent does…out of love.

So those girls who get knoc… uh, those girls who have the ‘misfortune’ to get caught, they just have to make the daddies marry them. It’s all about the family. I have eight grandchildren, you know. You wouldn’t believe it to look at me, would you. That says plenty about what’s going on down there! Ha, ha…Have you seen how I’m killing in the polls this morning? It’s a complete blow-out…

WSG:   Mr. Trump…Mr. Trump let’s move on. Now, I believe you said the other day that you would consider using nuclear weapons? Isn’t that a pretty extreme position to take…

DT:   Look, I’m a businessman, right? My business is a HUGE success. Ask anyone. The steaks, the water, the magazine, the university…all of it. Huge success!

That’s because I know how to manage my assets. I don’t just leave ‘em lying around doing nothing. Right? And I don’t believe in being politically correct. That’s for sissy’s.

Look, we’ve got nuclear weapons; they’re our assets. Right? Sooner or later we’re gonna use them. Right? What’s the point in having them if we say we’ll never use them? Right?

I’m not gonna say when I’ll use them. That would be telling, and we don’t want to give away the game…but, we’ve got ‘em and we can use ‘em…any time.

Look, there are a lot of real bad guys out there. Right? They hate America. If they had the nukes, you can bet your ass they’d use them against us! But we’ve got ‘em so it’s game over; but only if we use them real soon…before they get ‘em.

It’s all asset management.

WSG:   I see…but what about the worldwide nuclear devastation that would unleash?

DT:  “Worldwide nuclear devastation.” Listen to yourself! That’s a lot of whiny liberal BS.

Look, I keep reading about how there’s a population explosion and that’s the cause of all our problems. Well, I’ve got another ‘explosion” that could fix all that. Am I right?? Am I right??

Ha-ha-ha-ha…look, if we’re quick, we’ll be the ones holding all the cards. We can blow the competition away!

Hey… how big do you think that bunker is under 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? Let’s see: me, Melania, Ivanka, that husband of hers, the boys, the grandkids, the nanny, the cook, my hairdresser, my masseuse, my tailor, my press agent, my girl…that’s nineteen right there…

WSG:  I’m sorry Mr. Trump but we’re all out of time.