(dedicated to Leftfield)

upyourassnews.org…seconds ago

Robert Gibbs’ move to cut short President and First Lady Obama’s trip to India and fly by particle beam to Guantanamo Bay seems to have been a stroke of genius in an otherwise seemingly braindead administration.

While the President met with American officials and troops, Michelle Obama wooed the detainees there with her skillful rendering of the Waterboard Dance, made popular by detainees under the Bush administration.  The First Lady seemed like “a natural at it,” said one detainee.

“Man, she got the moves. I had to say wait, I’m all in, Michelle.  I just want to sit down and talk now.  She gave me a hug.  Said she try to find out about my missing fingers.”

It is also rumored that an ailing Fidel Castro will join President Obama at the electrified and mined barrier separating Gitmo from the rest of Cuba for a quick game of volleyball later in the day, after Obama signs a few death warrants as a personal show of goodwill to the new Republican House.

Gibbs meanwhile met with 8 Cuban reporters to say:  “The President wants to discuss outsourcing a shitload of jobs to the detainees down here.  And maybe to the Cuban people themselves, if you Commie bastards can work cheaper than the Indians.  You’re Commies, right?  Don’t piss me off with questions.  We can go elsewhere.  Somalians can dance too.  If they can’t, we’ll teach ’em how.”

It was reported that one detainee was so overwhelmed by the Waterboard Dance and hug he received from the First Lady, that he died of heart failure, while another detainee was so moved, he gave her a map pinpointing Osama bin-Laden’s second home in Vermont.

When asked about this, the First Lady, rather than actually say anything, observed:  “Well, you know all the people need is some hands-on feel-good booty.  And booty comes in many forms.  A small nuclear bomb is booty.  My husband acting like the weakest President since James Buchanan is booty too.  I love these wonderful detainees here.  Even though they don’t have very much fashion sense, they sure know how to show enthusiasm.  I can still hear them screaming my name.  Excuse me, I’ve got some toes here I need to throw over the fence.”

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

(Just couldn’t control myself.  Every so often, I feel ashamed to be a White Radical when regular folks out there are taking more and more shit.  No offense, Michael–this is aimed at ME, not you.  A band-aid for my bleeding heart  Oh…and some Real Lefties even told me about them voting for Nixon in protest.  Shit.  This version is for you, Cutie-Pie.  My favorite Jewish Princess.)

 Snotnoses Of The Pure White Left

  (The ‘Blame The Jews’ version)

in 1968 I voted for Nixon in protest

since then I’ve had a very busy busy time

what with all the wars and injustice

to juice up a White Lefty’s heart

Reagan and Bush and Clinton and Bush

and of course godamn Israel Israel Israel!

boy  it’s been better than the sixties

if you read my latest very very long essay

online at privilegedanarchistintellectual.com

you will note how with academic incisiveness

I have defined the question of Israel and good and evil

and right and wrong and left and right and stupid and ugly

as relative to the ongoing struggles of peoples

exploited by the corruption of the new neo-liberalism

please also note how I quote Marx and Mao

to back up my thesis that this corruption

is also grounded in the idea of art for art’s sake

and enabled by an International Zionist Movement

funded by Israel with American tax dollars of course

that seeks to rule the world because a long time ago

some poor suffering Germans felt compelled

to vote for Hitler in protest

go figure

I am so pleased that the Democratic Party

was totally wiped out this past election day

now the masses of people out there will feel

the full fury of a corporatized conspiracy

of Jewish liberal do-gooders who hide behind poetry

while working for an establishment power structure

that seeks to deprive the people of their right to be angry

you may think that it is selfish or self-serving of me

to draw on the parameters of oppression and death

in making my case for pure revolutionary thought

if you think that

you’re a liberal fuck

and a raving Fascist Zionist

I will continue my battle against all who conform

to an ideology based on the triage of quick liberal fixes

I am now working on my masterpiece online essay:

“When They Start Lynching People, I Want To Be There!”

thank you for reading my works and for the many times

we have spent talking to ourselves about Israel

and the correct political positions we must all take

to make our revolution a truly erotic experience

I can’t wait for 2012 and my chance to vote for Palin

in protest of course

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

(Yeah, gibberish.  Decades ago, a rich bastard once said this to me:  “Deprive the people of what makes them angry, and you do them a disservice.”  Sonofabitch!  IDEAS ARE NOT SACRED!  PEOPLE ARE SACRED!!!)

(why not voting ain’t cool Deadline for registering in Montpelier is TOMORROW, Oct. 27, by 5pm, Montpelier City Hall.)

I didn’t answer questions

I found lying was cooler

I had lots and lots of money

to put signs on hiking trails

I acted like a dufus

and I got the dufus vote

I made things so embarrassing

that voters were just turned off

so quite a few people

didn’t even vote at all

guess they figured a dufus

couldn’t possibly get elected

I counted on that

thank all of you who didn’t vote

I’m going on vacation now

just a short one

I can take plenty of time off

after I take power

when you want to see me

about the dufus things I do

I won’t be in my office

I’ll only be in when I’m not in

hey you elected me afterall

what the hell did you expect?

thank you

I’ll send you a postcard

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

(Cross-posted on Broadsides, the Homespun Family Blog)

oh babie babie hope and change

hope and change hope and change

hope and…ahhhhhhhhhh!

was it good for you my fellow Americans?

I need a cigarette

whew…

Mr. President?

yes Christine?

that was my very first time

and I didn’t feel a thing

I don’t think anybody

felt anything

well shit O’Donnell

do it to yourself next time

jeez…I know I got off

you got a light?

no and Mr. President

I don’t think you should be

advocating onanism…

I thought that was onerism…

no onanism

and God killed Onan

for spilling his seed

it’s in Genesis

so I don’t think you should be

advocating an act unnatural

to God’s law on national TV

shit you’re one smart honky bitch

you know O’Donnell

I like to do a good screwin’

almost every day

like that last Pentagon budget

and restoring off-shore drilling

in the Gulf

talk about drillin’  heh

I really got off on that one

well Mr. President if you’ll permit me

I really think there’s something lacking

in your technique

I mean when George and Dick

screwed…bad word…when they fornicated people

you knew you were really getting fornicated

you really felt it

well shit I…

nobody is feeling it Mr. President

nobody cares

look at the liberals and the lefties

do you see them marching in the streets?

well maybe you could conjure up

a spell Chrissy?

I hear you’re into that stuff

no Mr. President

that was when I was young and naive

before I met Jesus

at a tea party

may I make some suggestions?

go ahead and shoot your load

lower taxes on the rich

permanently

abolish all estate taxes

permanently

make abortion a capital crime

like some kind of terrorism

raise taxes on the poor

no health care

no child care

send gays to Guantanamo

reinstate the draft

put the dollar on the flag

shut down the Internet

and make the disabled work for a living

people will feel it

you know…hell let me try it

come ‘er

tax the poor tax the poor

hope and change hope and change

save the rich screw the kids

kill the Net jail the gays

hope and change hope and…ahhhhhhhh!!!

that was better Mr. President

I think I’d like a cigarette now

yeah and I gotta raise the taxes

on these things too

how’s that for a screwin’?

very good

and don’t forget junk food

and baby food

yeah

you know Chrissy

maybe I will get rid of Biden in ’12

wanna get together?

oh Mr. President

people would really feel that

you’re becoming a stud

hope and change babie

wait til next year

all this has just been foreplay

I’m gonna hope and change

their brains out

hope and change their sorry asses good

and don’t use protection

right

and no health care

thank you Mr. President

I feel so…well…fornicated

and I didn’t even use my hands

well keep your tits up Chrissy

I gotta go try this shit

on Michelle

tax the poor tax the poor

the black poor the black poor

yes Mr. President

give it to her good

give it to her once for me

oh my…………………

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

(A grouchy old man’s take on The Playoffs.)

something bad is going to happen

you can see it in the players’ faces

some kind of dirty fix

lines of people turned away

on account of rain

on account of some fuck-up

one bad call is all it takes

and the whole country goes to shit

while the world watches

our fucking national pastime

turned into a farce

for the sake of a freak show

well throw one at their heads for me

tag the bastards in the crotch

and clear the benches

used to be you could enjoy the game

before they got so greedy

now they’re all millionaires

just to do what I can do

with my little kid on a Sunday

on his new computer

so fuck ’em all to hell

I’m not even gonna watch anymore

not until they go back to playing it right

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

The bill, Protecting Cyberspace As A National Asset, being pushed in the Senate by Senators Joe Lieberman (I?) and Susan Collins (R), represents the ultimate travesty in the ongoing assault on Americans’ basic civil right of Freedom Of Speech.

Politically ‘threatening’ activity on the Net, Chinese ‘super-hackers’ and ‘leaks’ by Wikileaks and other whistle blowers, pale in comparison to giving the President of the United States executive powers to monitor our emails, our web and blog site communications, our e-bay purchases, our Twitterings and Facebookings, and allow the President, without Congressional Oversight, to invoke National Security as a reason to shut down our online access for up to 4 months by declaring a State Of Cyber Emergency.

What in the Hell is going on here?

With the Mainstream Media in the hands of Wall Street, the Net is, most often, our only source of Real News, and, most often, our only resource for Free Speech and Political Activism.  This bill, if enacted into law, would give the President vague yet sweeping powers to cut our links to what is left of our connections to old fashioned American Democracy, and replace that with more Fear, Injustice, and eventually Totalitarianism.

Now, a lot of folks will say:  “Oh, it ain’t that bad, and what about all those terrorist chat-rooms?  Hey, lighten-up.”  

Yeah, the Net should just be used to ‘shop’ on.  

Well, this bill will forever repress the voices of those Americans who believe that their voices matter, that the Net offers a tool that can make life better instead of worse, that Freedom of Speech is not something for Corporations to ‘market’ for the sake of profit–I’m talking about Net Neutrality here, and what this bill will do to alter the playing field there.

So, Senators Leahy and Sanders, I’m sure we can count on you to fight tooth and nail to KILL THIS BILL.  Many folks use the Net to contribute to causes and political campaigns.  By 2012, will we have lost our ability to send people like you our small ‘grassroots’ campaign donations, while the Corporate Boys fund a future Congress made up of people who will pass laws about ‘talking’ and ‘thinking’ and, the Almighty Spirit only knows, what else?

Come on.  This can’t be happening.  So say it ain’t so.

Thank you,

Peter Buknatski

Montpeleir, Vt.

Obama To Police Internet

(Inspired by “Anyone But Dubie” discussion.)

ohhhh Mr. President

you found my website

do you like my body?

my name is Barbie

these photos were taken

on my trip to Cuba

we flew from Canada

it was hot down there

Mr. President it was sooo hot

that’s me topless

with my friend Ari

she’s got big ones

she comes from Syria

and that one was taken

when me and Ari tried

to visit Guantanamo

ohhhh Mr. President

we had such a wild time

Mr. President are you

getting hard looking at me?

are you getting ready

to pick up the phone?

I hope you’ll look at

my Facebook layout

where I’m posing

with pistols and whips

and assault rifles

ohhhh…ohhhh yes

ohhhh…ohhhh…ohhhh

Mr. President…ohhhh

you like to peek don’t you?

you naughty nasty man

I can feel you looking

I’m getting all wet

I think I’m going to…

OH GOD YES!…

I felt the earth move

like an explosion

I said an explosion

Mr. President

a big one

ohhhh yes I can hear

the sirens coming now

there’re getting close

ohhhh yes…closer

I can hear the footsteps

coming up the stairs

ohhhh God yes…

you want me Mr. President!

take me Mr. President

take me now!

I never knew

it could be like this

nobody ever knew

it could be like this

ohhhh…ohhhh…

tell me I’m the only one

talk dirty to me Mr. President

I’m not like all the others

am I?

ohhhh Mr. President

Sweet Jesus God!

you found me

I’m yours

don’t ever change

Mr. President

ohhhh don’t ever ever

change

they’re putting

the handcuffs on me now

ohhhh…ohhhh

you like it rough

don’t you?

YES! YES! YES!!!…

my President

sexy sexy President

sweet lover man

watching me

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt

This Saturday. Sept. 25, 1pm-8pm, the Vermont Workers’ Center will celebrate its 12th Anniversary at the Old Labor Hall (46 Granite St.) in Barre.  

The event will offer activists and the general public a chance to discuss and celebrate the hard work involved in organizing for civil rights and justice in the workplace and the community, with particular focus on the Center’s Healthcare Is A Human Right Campaign this past year.

Committee and Membership meetings will run from 1pm to 5pm, followed by the 12th Anniversary Celebration Dinner and Party from 5pm to 8pm, with live music by Africa Jamono, and a Silent Auction. And the Vermont Migrant Farmworker Solidarity Project will screen their short film: Silenced Voices.

The Celebration Dinner will also honor the work of Vermont’s union nurses and health professionals who helped out in Haiti early this year, the work of Fletcher Allen hospital techs who organized to join their union, and the work of thousands of childcare providers organizing to establish Vermont Early Educators United.

And yes, folks, there will be DANCING.  So come out to Barre Saturday and have some fun while getting things done.  (Corny rhyme, Peter)

Forget the rhyme, just come out!

And see the Vermont Workers’ Center site: http://www.workerscenter.org for the big One Nation March in Washington, DC on October 2nd.  Or call:  802-861-4892.

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

Press release, 23 minutes ago, VIRGINS R US PARTY

I’m running for this office as a candidate of the Virgins R Us Party.

We represent millions of American Virgins, and those Virgins still unborn.

Sex is the cause of Wars, Economic Collapse, Injustice, Stupidity and Insanity.

Think about it:  While you’re having Sex, the enemies of our Republic are Watching You.

As America grows Weaker, even Spent, the enemies of our Republic Penetrate our very Essence Of Being.

We of the Virgins R Us Party will soon be taking to the streets of America with our message: “ABSTAIN FOR CHANGE!”

We invite all Americans to join us.  You don’t have to be an actual Virgin, but YOU CAN BECOME ONE!

Our movement is gaining Strength, while the Democrats, Republicans, and Tea Party continue to Fuck with each other.

All this Fucking has to STOP!  The fate of the very Planet is at stake.

We will shortly be having a March And Rally in our Republic’s Capital.  The time will be announced on FOX NEWS.

In the meantime, we want Americans to pause for a moment in Feeling Themselves Up to take note of the growing number of T-Shirts, Buttons, and Caps with the “SEX–Just Say No!” logo.  And while you’re at it–and we don’t mean with your fingers–observe the “HONK IF YOU’RE A VIRGIN” bumper stickers now appearing on American Made Cars throughout the Republic.

It’s NOT Socialism— It’s SEX!  Think of the Children!  They are the only Children We Will Have Left, GOD Willing.

Thank you for your time.  I hope this message has caused many of you to refrain from SEXUAL ACTS for a moment.  It’s Really NOT That Hard.

Mort Wetdreem

Chairman, VIRGINS R US PARTY

Dover, Delaware

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

(What doya suppose they’ll come up with next?)

when there is no President

why the country runs itself

in that good ole Darwinian way

when there is no President

every American can be a crook

and say: hey shit not my fault

when there is no President

strange movements arise

assholes want to be President

when there is no President

there are no more wars

or morality or justice or love

when there is no President

candidates for lower offices

give the voters porn for issues

and when there is no President

it doesn’t matter how bad things get

because nobody is to blame

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.