(Feb. 23, 1945–Men of the 5th Marine Division raise the American flag on the top of Mt. Suribachi on Iwo Jima. The wonderful photo by Joe Rosenthal in the New York Times and papers around the world. Nimitz was right when he said of those marines: “Uncommon valor was a common virtue.” And now we have different kinds of images coming out of Afghanistan. Junior, you were right. Images do matter.)
for Junior
Scene: Three marines pissing on dead Afghani children while also burning Qurans. Suddenly (‘THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!’), they are struck by three Steel Hankies.
1st marine: “Shit! That hurt!”
PolitenessMan: “Now, now. Language please.”
2nd marine: “Hey, who the Hell are you, mister?” (raises his rifle)
PolitenessMan: “Haven’t you been taught it’s impolite to swear and point? And at the same time!” (flings another Steel Hankie, hitting 2nd marine in the nose)
2nd marine: “Oh God! I’m hit! I’m hit! Corpsman! Corpsman! Oh God!…”
PolitenessMan: “Tut, tut, my friend. A bloody nose is no excuse for making a scene. You see, gentlemen, I am PolitenessMan, and the President of the United States has sent me here to restore some good manners, decorum, and good taste here on the battlefield, so that folks back home are not needlessly repulsed by, let us say, behavior one would confront on a Saturday night outside of the sleaziest roadhouse in all the 50 states.”
3rd marine: “What the Hell…(PolitenessMan raises up another Steel Hankie)…excuse me…what the heck does good manners have to do with war, PolitenessMan?”
PolitenessMan: “Think of it this way–if foreign invaders were rampaging through the United States while you were over here, would you want them pissing on your dead baby? Would you want them burning the old baseball card collections passed down to you by your dear old grandfathers?”
2nd marine: “My dead baby?! I have a baby somewhere?”
1st marine: “My BASEBALL CARD COLLECTION??!!!”
PolitenessMan: “Exactly. Remember, your wives, loved ones, and your dear old grandmothers are watching…”
3rd marine: “My grandmother?! I have a grandmother, PolitenessMan?” (sobs)
PolitenessMan: “Yes. And also Jennifer Aniston and Sarah Jessica Parker. What would would you have them think, gentlemen?”
1st marine: “Hey, PolitenessMan, those two are old enough to be my dear old grandmother.”
PolitenessMan: “Just an example. Think of younger versions of them. And all the young American ladies you will want to be with someday. Except, that when you approach them at the Church Social, or, if you like, your neighborhood bar, and ask for a polite dance, they will scream and say: ‘It’s YOU! You were the one on the news being RUDE and exposing himself over in Afghanistan! I’d rather turn GAY than dance with you! In fact, just seeing you now up close has made me Gay! Come on, Betty, let’s get out of here. Too many CREEPS!’ You see the ramifications, gentlemen, of your unpolished and untoward behavior?”
(the three marines bow their heads)
1st marine: “Godda…I mean, gosh, PolitenessMan, you’re right. I guess we never thought of all that. Thanks for straightening us out.”
PolitenessMan: “Not a problem. I have much work to do here before I report back to the President. So, off with you, gentlemen. And remember, when you get in a firefight or ambush, it is in good form to shoot to kill or maim the enemy and, also, to inflict a certain–but not excessive–amount of, let us say, peripheral damage on innocent civilians, depending on the special particulars of the occasion. It is a war, as you have said. But remember, keep it in your pants at all times. Unless you have to put out a fire that some other thoughtless and less refined warrior has inadvertently started.”
1st, 2nd, and 3rd marines: “Thanks, PolitenessMan. We’ll never be rude again! We’ll even say ‘pardon me’ when we shoot the wounded in the head. You’re one cool righteous dude! Semper Fi, PolitenessMan!”
(and the marines ‘saddle-up’ and walk off toward the beautiful red glow from the burning hills)
PolitenessMan: “Yes, I feel absolutely politically and socially correct in what I told the President. That, in war as in peace, but especially in war, there is no substitute for etiquette.”
Peter Buknatski
Montpelier, Vt.