The apparent victory (please, Almighty Spirit, NO!) of Bill Sorrell over TJ Donovan has me pissed off at people who drone vote for the brand name.  But in fairness to Democrats, let’s take a look at the Radical Left.  I give you, ROSEANNE In 2012.  Yes.

Now, what does the Green Party do?  They vote down Roseanne at their convention 193 to 72, giving Massachusetts doctor and activist Jill Stein the nomination.  Ho-hummm…mmm.  Or rather, yawn.  The Radical Left is soooo PURE.  No matter WAR or Economic Injustice, Woman’s Rights, Workers Rights, Gay Rights, you name it, the RADICAL(?) Left will not come down to earth and be nitty-gritty when it can be ACADEMICALLY Above-It-All.  Who is Jill Stein?  And who is Roseanne?  Flip a coin.  Heads–Roseanne, and with a united block of Greens, Liberty Union folks, Libertarians, Socialists, Gays, and as many other Third Party Lefties, you’ve got a powerful voting block.  Or tails–Jill Stein, and probably less votes than Nader could get.  Yawn, again.

Why in the Bloody Hell cannot the Left get its shit together when it is so important now to provide an alternative to the people who are always in a lose/lose situation with the Republicans and Democrats.  Oh, I know.  It is more important to look politically correct and intellectually superior than to roll up your sleeves and stand with the regular stiffs in this country who are on the assembly line of oppression.  

The Left must have a pure and not too pushy, not too strident message, donchaknow?  Roseanne?  Well…that would be just a bit much.  Get all the regular folks and working poor uppity.  Next thing you know, they’ll want action, not talk.  Not long long academic essays (which regular folks have no time or concern to read) of Global Warming’s effects on bats, whales, and June bugs.  No.  It’s the country and the World and the PEOPLE who need to get on the Left’s program.  And what PEOPLE?  Certainly not Roseanne’s type of people.  They’re just not the wine and cheese Marxist/Leninist/Mao thought kind of people.  They can clean up the dishes after the Meeting.

Could you just picture what Roseanne would have done to Romney in the debates?  And then to Obama?  And Roseanne’s running mate on the Peace And Freedom ticket is Cindy Sheehan.  Think she could have handled Ryan and Biden?  

Well, the Radical Left remains pure.  And is becoming more and more of a club.  And what’s that called?  Hmmm…well, I call it The ESTABLISHMENT.  

Roseanne at the Debate:  “Now, Mister Romney, I mean, what the Hell is all this stuff with you and your guys about rape and abortion and fetuses and incest and conception?  I mean, it sounds to the American people like you and your running mate and a whole lot of your Rich Republican male friends have been on some really sleazy Internet porn site?  And you’re doing this all out in the open, like exposing yourselves.  Gross.  Children are watching.  People have gone to jail for the kind of lewd behavior you boys are engaging in.  GAG.”

But Nooooo.  Well, I guess the Radical Left will always be there to tell us:  “We told you so.  Pass the pinot noir, please.”

What’s that word Mister PeteySweety likes, kiddies?  That’s right–Douche-Bags.  I knew you could say it.

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

Two interesting looks at Montpelier, starting first with yesterday’s online New York Times article called 36 Hours In Montpelier, Vt:

The Times people were in Montpelier from late Friday afternoon to late Sunday morning, covering a lot of ground, including the Capital, Kellogg-Hubbard Park, the Mountaineers‘ game, various restaurants, stores, and our Greenwich Village-like Friday night nightlife (The Black Door & Charlie Os), and our ‘special’ drawing cards--The Farmers’ Market and The Three Penny Taproom.

The article will appear in this Sunday’s TRAVEL SECTION of the Times, along with color photos, and all-in-all makes Montpelier look like the coolest State Capital (and the smallest and quaintest) in the country to visit.  Hopefully, this article will give Montpelier a much needed boost (or kick in the ass) as Times readers across the World plan their vacations around a trip to the town that hosts Three Penny’s eclectic line of 24 draft beers and Charlie Os cheap $2.00 pint Pabst drafts.  God, let us hope so, because Montpelier definitely needs a boost (and a kick).

Now I come to the kick part:

I called Montpelier Alive this morning and the woman there knew of no contact the Times people had with Montpelier Alive relating to their visit to town.  She hadn’t read the article online, and even asked me if Montpelier Alive had been mentioned in it.  ???  Hmmm…not good, Montpelier Alive.  Too bad the Times people didn’t come on a Thursday during lunch time to see your great work in discouraging and marginalizing people with your HUGE Smoke Free Event signs.  Perhaps the Times folks would have snapped a photo of your Smoke Free signs, and, oops, cancel those vacation plans, Roseanne!  And wouldn’t it have been a pisser if they got wind that downtown Montpelier was in danger of losing The Capital City Farmers‘ Market to Vermont College?  Hey, Roseanne, tell Cindy Sheehan to cancel her vacation plans too!

Well, thank God the regulars were open for business–they carried the town.  No thanks to the Montpelier City Council or Montpelier Alive.

Now, speaking of the Montpelier City Council, did you see that those nitwits voted 4 to 2 to withdraw from the District Energy Project.*  Guess the Yuppies up around Vermont College and their other upscale enclaves–the people who really run this town (into the ground)–don’t want biomass soot on their SUVs or in their swimming pools.  Wouldn’t want riff-raffy energy projects also creating a revitalized town–people would be parking all over the place, doncha-know?

This means also, and most importantly, that the Montpelier City Council just possibly blew off the 8 MILLION $$$ Federal GRANT for the town’s participation in the project.  And yes, the Montpelier School District would have been linked-up to the District Energy Project.  Well, shucks…what’s 8 million bucks?  We’re not gonna let them goddamn smokers have their own big biomass puffer polluting our nice peaceful, pure, quiet, and almost Dead environment.

Great work, Montpelier Alive and Montpelier City Council!  Good thing those Times people came on a weekend.  (You didn’t have a clue, did you?)  In fairness, City Manager Frazer and Mayor Hollar were in favor of Montpelier’s participation in the District Energy Project, but they didn’t get to vote on it.  A Special Meeting MAY be held on this next week, but don’t hold your breath (especially if you’re smoking).  

Folks, do you think something’s just maybe more than a little F’d-Up about how Montpelier is run?

Well, at least the Times piece focuses a lot on some unique specifics that Montpelier downtown merchants have to offer.  Did you know that Fred Wilber at Buch Spieler has copies of the very first FUGS album?  And that Pamela Root, owner of That’s Life Soup, uses 500 different recipes for her four soups per day?  Yes.  It’s true.  Montpelier IS COOL.  Too bad the COOL FOLKS don’t run things.

I’m going to go to Three Penny Taproom this afternoon for a nice cold dry white wine, then to Buch Spieler and look into this FUGS album, then to Charlie Os where I will be joined by Roseanne In 2012 for a $2.00 Pabst.  And take a few smoke breaks.

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

(*If any of you Little Dems defend this atrocity, well, I guess we’ll know who your friends are.)

“Just a brief statement here, folks.  I won’t be taking any questions.  

“Three important clarifications I want to make.  First, in regards to all this fuss Mr. Donovan has raised about the $99,000 ads funded by a PAC group associated with the Democratic Attorney General’s Association, I refer Mr. Donovan to the January, 2010 U.S. Supreme Court decision on campaign finance and the freedom of speech of the people.  As your Attorney General, I faithfully follow the rule of law, the law as defined by the highest court in the nation.  I will not, I repeat NOT, stand in the way of freedom of speech.  The Committee For Fairness And Justice has every right, under the law of the land, to spend as much as they feel necessary to support my campaign.  That’s why it’s called fairness and justice.

“Second.  Yes, I got about $6000 in donations from employees of the Vermont Attorney General’s

office.  Doesn’t this suggest to Mr. Donovan that I run a happy ship?  Doesn’t this outpouring of support by AG employees tell everyone that I’m doing something right?  I want to thank those employees of the Attorney General’s office for their courage and generosity.  I think all Vermonters feel it’s important to have a workplace environment wherein your boss is so beloved that you will give him, not only your loyalty, but also your hard earned money.  

“And third.  I want to say to the people of Vermont that on August 29th I will begin my campaign for November.  And I’m looking forward to it because, you see, this Donovan fellow has been a real pain in the ass and has distracted me from the important Vermont Attorney Generaling I need to do.  Now, with Jack McMullen running for AG for the Republicans, hell, I’ll have plenty of time to work on my Vermont Yankee appeal, sharpen pencils, go shopping for Attorney General clothes, study up on how to follow and uphold the rulings of the U. S. Supreme Court, and maybe do a guest appearance on Saturday Night Live.  From St. Albans.

“Oh.  Just one more thing.  Some voters out there may be thinking that I’m taking them for granted. That I’ve been in office so long and so used to getting re-elected that my campaign may have reflected possibly a certain amount of contempt for the voters and the democratic process?  Well…geez…what do you want me to do?  Act like I’m scared of losing my job?  Bust my chops over a goddamn primary race that shouldn’t even be happening in the first place?  Kiss your asses?  Hell, I know you, and you know me.  TJ Who?  That’s right.  You KNOW what I’m capable of.  But this other guy, who knows what’s on his agenda?  I mean, think of it–just the fact that he’s trying to unseat me, to go after the job I’ve been doing for the last FIFTEEN YEARS, to overturn all of your votes from those last fifteen years and therefore undermine the democratic process that you have faithfully followed, what, I ask, does that say about contempt?  Be careful.  And trust me. I’m your Attorney General.  I know stuff.  It’s just that it would be against the law of the land to tell you the stuff I know.  I have, in effect, gagged myself to protect the integrity of my office and your trust.  In a public servant, what more could you want?

“Thank you for your time.  I’m Bill Sorrell and I approve this message.”    

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

   

 Breaking news…today…

Bill Sorrell said today in an ‘exclusive’ interview with The WalMart Green News & Environmental Shopper that he “doesn’t care” how much negative press he’s been getting lately because he is: “still the one all loyal Democrats will vote for once all loyal Democrats put aside the insignificance of Republicanesque attacks aimed at soiling the record of fifteen years of rock solid executive branch ‘electability’ and low key consistency as, not just Vermont’s Attorney General, but as Vermont’s Professional Attorney General.”

“You see,”  explained Sorrell to WalMart Green News reporter Karma Gibberish,  “I’m sort of like Jim Douglas.  He ran for Secretary of State unopposed and got re-elected and re-elected for about a hundred years.  Then he got elected Governor.  Why?  Name recognition.  When Dems see my name on the primary ballot this month, they’ll yawn, say ‘yeah, I know this guy’ and fill in the oval next to my name.  It’s that simple.  I don’t really have to campaign.  I’m too busy being Attorney General following and upholding the rule of law set down by the Vermont Legislature and the Federal Government.  That’s my job.  And that’s what I do.  And if sometimes that means not doing things, well that’s my job too, unless the Vermont Legislature or the Feds tell me otherwise.  

“You know,”  Sorrell continued,  “all this stuff coming out about the inmates at our correction centers being abused, and overcrowded, and working as slave labor, all this nonsense about the elderly and disabled being abused and robbed, all these unsubstantiated claims about migrant farm workers’ rights being violated, all this hysteria about missing people, unsolved cases, and Massachusetts meth gangs operating in Vermont, that’s all stuff that people who support TJ Donovan care about.  But I don’t care, because TJ Donovan is NOT Attorney General.  I am.  And will continue to be, because I can depend on the vote of Vermonters who are the silent majority; the people who can vote on this primary contest in their sleep.”

When Gibberish asked Sorrell if he were being perhaps too dismissive of issues Donovan and other sources, including the media, have brought to light, Sorrell answered:  “You know, Karma, I say Fuck ‘Em All!  I mean it.  I’m your Attorney General.  Howard Dean supports me.  Vermonters love Howard Dean.  I don’t have to kiss asses to

get votes.  The votes are already there.  As I said before, I’m your professional Attorney General.  I can do this job in my sleep.  Like I’ve done for the past fifteen years.  You might ask TJ Donovan why he brings up issues like questioning the AG’s office’s firm stand on steering legally clear of advocacy for marihuana.  It’s like Donovan is handing Randy Brock an issue.  Like the entire Democratic Party is stoned and being run by the Make Marihuana Legal Party.  I don’t think good loyal Democrats appreciate this.  I know I don’t.  It’s not my job to help Randy Brock get elected, and I will not drag the Attorney General’s office into Mr. Donovan’s attempt to give aid and comfort to the Republican Party.  That would be against the law as I see it, if there is one.  And don’t think I won’t check.”

And finally, Gibberish asked Sorrell who he thought would win in November, Obama or Romney.

“Obama’s the Democrat, right?  I’ve been so busy following and upholding state and federal laws.  But, let me say then that if Obama has been doing his job, he doesn’t need to worry.  I mean, we all have our jobs to do, and frankly I think it’s a pain in the ass when you have to spend time campaigning to keep somebody from stealing your job while you’re trying to do it.  There ought to be laws.  But that’s somebody else’s job.  So you see, Karma, it comes down to a question of job definition.  I do my job.  I assume Obama does his.  Now, Mr. Donovan comes along and starts up with stuff that changes the whole job definition thing, for myself and, I guess what Mr. Donovan also means, for the President too.  I’m your Attorney General.  I’m not the President of the United States.  What office exactly is Mr. Donovan running for?  And what kind of loyal Democrat is he?  I think Vermonters will decide that on…on August 21st…I mean August 28th…is that right?…Well, they, the loyal Vermont Democrats will decide.  And I know what they will decide.  So, I say again–why should I care?  It’s not my job to care.  That’s another department’s job.  I’ll look it up.  

“So, thank you, Karma, for letting me set the record straight.  And, just so you’ll have a scoop, I want to tell you here and now exclusively that I’m heading out to Danville to pick up a big endorsement.  The American Association of Dowsers.  Take that, TJ Donovan!  You see, I’m working all the time on unsolved crimes.  I’m a great believer in the use of modern technology for crime detection.  And with the Dowsers’ help, I’ll find more votes too.  Now, I hope to Hell I can find where I parked my car?  You WalMart folks have such big parking lots.  Aren’t you folks glad I don’t stick my office’s nose into some of your environmental crap?  If you want to make a contribution, here, make the check out to this address.  Where are those two little sticks the guy from Danville gave me?  Shit!  Don’t print that last stuff!  That’s off the record.  You know, like it’s none of the public’s business to have that kind of public access.  Some things are better left suppressed, for the greater good.  It’s not the public’s job to have a right to know everything.  I think there’s a Federal law on that.  I’ll look it up”

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, VT.  

This is important shit, people.  Read it:

The British Film Institute’s magazine, Sight & Sound, which has listed Citizen Kane as the #1 greatest film for the last fifty years, now says that Citizen Kane is #2.  The new #1 (I feel like going into The Prisoner here) greatest film of all time is now Hitchcock’s VERTIGO (1958).  Hmmm…well…okay.  I mean YES!  I think VERTIGO is a GREAT MOVIE!

James Stewart is brilliant as a fucked-up-in-the-head detective who transforms a live woman (Kim Novak) into a dead woman (Kim Novak).  And vice versa.  The movie is great because, at its core, it deals with the hauntings of past unrequited love in the psyche of Stewart (as Every-Fucked-Up-Man), and how that leads him to become a tad ‘disturbed’ in his relations to women and to his job as a private investigator.

The dead woman’s death was ruled a suicide, a leap from a church tower, but Stewart blames himself, in that his fear of heights prevented him from climbing the spooky stairway in time to stop her.  So he seeks solace in transforming the lookalike live Kim Novak into the exact image of the dead Kim Novak.  It is probably Stewart’s greatest performance as the psychologically ‘quirky’ American male, as opposed to the rock solid All-American Cary Grant (also a Hitchcock star) type of American male.  Stewart’s characters, I’ve always thought, were always just a little bit ‘off’–including a lot of his Western roles.  But enough of this synopsis shit (as Sean Connery might have put it in The Untouchables); it is imperative now to look into the DEEP INNER MEANING of VERTIGO, and the DEEP INNER MEANING of the British Film Institute crowning it the new #1 film of all time:

VERTIGO, folks, is about NECROPHILIA, plain and simple.  Stewart wants to make love to a corpse.  (Remember, this is a Hitchcock flick.  The guy who did Psycho.)  Your true love dies.  You run into someone who looks startling much like her.  Then you have her dye her hair, change her hairstyle, clothes, make-up, etc., etc., and, lo and behold, you have your own true love again, as though she had risen from the graveyard, to have and to hold.  And to do other things to also.

It’s sort of like that routine I think all men, excepting Heathcliff, have gone through–I know I have–when we meet a woman who reminds us of a past love.  We get kind of…flakey.  But do we put the make on the dead?  Make love to the dead?  No.  Not like Stewart In VERTIGO.  He has a genuine “oh babie, you look just like a corpse I once loved” leap into the netherworld of a desire one just simply doesn’t speak of over drinks at the bar with the guys.

Stewart’s fits of vertigo perhaps make him feel more ‘grounded’ with a dead woman.  (Couldn’t resist that one, folks.)  His fear of heights becomes a fear of looking at the truth.  The dead Novak’s alleged suicide is actually staged by her husband, who has already murdered her, with the live Novak being an imposter and an accomplice.

Of course, this film does NOT have a happy ending.  After Stewart discovers the truth, his vertigo goes away and the live Novak becomes the dead Novak again.  Well, now wait.  Is that MAYBE a happy ending? Or, what if the live Novak does not return to the grave?  Is that a happy ending?  What does all this psychological shit mean, folks?  Just how fucked-up is Stewart’s character?  This movie is VERY VERY DEEP.  And great fun.

And it’s much much better, and much more fun, than all this vampire/zombie crap that has possessed our attention.  Could it be that maybe those people at the British Film Institute are saying something to us?  Let’s see–America has a love affair with bringing about death and destruction; we have a ghoul with the hairstyle of a corpse running for President; the planet is going to die; we do not explore space anymore; we drill into the ground for energy instead of lifting our heads to the sun; and no one can reach the top of the stairs because the Rich don’t want us to see the view, let alone look down at the less fortunate.  And we fuck the dead.  So obviously, here is our New #1 All Time Greatest Movie affirming those passions.  Or should I say, lusts?  Pre-versions?

Well, I am not a shrink, and I don’t think even a shrink could pin down VERTIGO .  And that’s what makes it a Great Movie.  To be viewed late at night with the lights out.  And not with popcorn, folks, but with those ritual and elegant condiments that befit a ‘classic’ feast.  Lifting us all to a great height from which we can say to ourselves, as Stewart said to Novak at the end: “You were a very apt pupil!”

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.  

(Whether Colorado, the Twin Towers, Afghanistan, Waco, Oklahoma City, or the hometown teacher, the psychosis has yet to be defined, let alone treated. Because THEY do not want it defined nor treated.)

Oh pity pity the latest of the innocent victims

and do not say out loud what they mean

because that would leave us without

our pity; how we bond in fright at the thought

that one day we surely will join them all;

a pity for a dead Pashtun child and a pity

for the homeless man killed for the recreation

of killing, and a great big pity for ourselves

who have to endure the utter hopelessness

of pity as the victims pile up and block all respite;

yes let us moan and groan again for some escape

from all this pity; seek answers from those authorities

on fear and hopelessness, for they always have

sexy answers to explain how it was someone not

like us who was responsible for our latest pity;

so tomorrow there will be a slight pause and a sigh;

then the next innocent victims will be targeted

and dispatched with the ease of a fingertip’s touch,

like a lover’s hand turned into a weapon and the answer

to a pity lewdly caressing the trigger of a desire;

well it is all part of this life and death that pushes us on,

with a gun to our backs that shoots bullets of pity

through the wall of those victims who have made

us victims, with no one to pity us as we move through

the dead on tiptoes, and do absolutely not look into their eyes.

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, VT.

who have  

(For Mitt Romney, Rush Limbaugh, Paul LePage, The Catholic Church, Newt Gingrich, The Tea Party, Our Very Own Randy Brock now, and…oh god…the list seems endless.  Save us!)

“Well, that took you long enough.  DUH.  Now, I suppose, all your nitwit religious types and your assholes running for office, like that Mitt Romney mass, will be on a freak-out about God and The End Of The World.  Well, let Me tell you something–I CREATED God.  Yes.  And it wasn’t one of My better sub-atomic particle reaction moments.  I meant to create a Super Brain for the Universe, something that could also assume a mass that could be used for Energy, a Cure for Cancers and Spaceborne Viruses, and, of course, a Factoring-Out Of Stupidity, which is where you would have come in, if I hadn’t fucked around with those electrons that claimed to be The Lost Electrons Of The Promised Universe.  Shit.  That’s how I wound up with this stupid God you’re all so enthralled with, because, let Me tell you, I think a lot of what I call Stupid Particles got in the mix there.  There’s a lot of Stupid Particles in Space.  That’s why it’s a vacuum.  And that’s why you’re still stupid and your God is stupid.  But I can only work on what comes along.

So far, the closest I’ve come to Super Brain Particle Mass is a guy you’ve got down there whom you call PeteySweety.  Yeah, he was My original God Sub-Sub-Particle, but he got glommed on by an electron I call The Politically Incorrect Electron, which is why he usually emits a negative sum.  What I need to do is come down there and put My field around him and suck all those negative variables out of his atomic structure.  They don’t seem to interact well with alcohol.  If I’m successful, you’ll soon have an INTELLIGENT GOD, and one who will also be able to get rid of all your Stupid Shit and Stupid People via use of His Special Particle Gotcha Beam.

So, Give ME A Break!  I’m working on it.  Just hope I get it done before one of your goddamn Corporations which fund the CERN lab get those physicist geeks to use Me to create an entire GALAXY OF THE STUPID, where your Wall Street Runaway Free Neutron Fuckos will build onto themselves with Malls, set up off-star bank accounts, out-sourse jobs and science to other dimensions, and no doubt fucking drill for oil.  THE ALMIGHTY SPIRIT who created Me, after I created It (don’t ask; the theorems here are of a science alien to your comprehension), wants to get rid of all you folks and start over with something He calls a Fundamental PeteySweetyism.

I mean it; don’t let the assholes screw around with Me!  I’m about This Close (you don’t have an equation for how close My This Close is) to putting My field around that stupid God I created for you and having Him (yeah, that’s right, He is a HE; that’s why He’s so stupid) vaporize into something more useful, like a Psychedelic Rainbow you can look at and trip-out on while you wait for Me to adjust PeteySweety’s quantum symmetry, or whatever it is that comes along.  I just hope it won’t be some of your frigging dildo-dipshit-asshole mutated particles from all that radioactive shit you send up here from your planet.  I mean, I would wind up with a Super PeteySweety Sado-Flesh-Eating Quark, whose mass would get bigger and bigger the more nuclear weapons you used on him, and, of course, the more Single Malt Scotch he interacted with.  Maybe also I should work on that Michael Colby mass.  Yes, he was one of Mine too.

So, I say again.  Don’t let them fuck with Me.  And for The Fucking Almighty Spirit’s Sake, get over this God Shit!  Trust Me, sometimes things happen up here in the Universe that make no sense at all.  Why do you people always turn the Sub-Atomic Breaking Down Of The Energy Force Of Chaos into some kind of nitwit religious thing, or something you can try to make a buck on?  I thought when I created Neil Diamond you might have learned something.  Have a nice day.  If you don’t fuck it up.  And, as your Arnold guy says, I’ll be back.”

Peter Buknatski

(who learned all his science from Mr. Wizard in the 1950s)

Montpelier, Vt.

(Most of you may have heard of the ‘Whites Only’ Christian conference being held by something called The Church Of The Chosen in Alabama this week.  The conference concludes today (tonight?) with a cross-burning.  The spokespeople for the church are calling it a Cross Lighting, some kind of new spin on Christianity, I guess.  There are Confederate flags and KKK flags galore.  And, no doubt, hot dogs and burgers, and maybe even something for the little Christian kiddies, like maybe a Christian Magic Show featuring ways to make black people disappear.  They’re saying that White Christians are the forgotten or abused people, or some such shit.  Loud, fat, and stupid Christians.  Yeah, I’d like to forget them, after I get to abuse them some.  Well, here’s to them…)

  Old Rugged Cross

O Lordy, the old fashioned bonfire of Thy Hatefulness,

good White Christianity roasting marshmallows

on burning books for Thee under The Cross and  

a moon too embarrassed or afraid to come out,

so chant brothers and sisters: Our Moon Is White,

God Save Our Moon Tonight!  Come Out Of Your Closet,

O Holy Moon, And Show Little Johnny And Mary The Light!

yea, bring out the white sheets and the body and the blood

of a Jesus turned Gay and pray for the end

of a world no longer safe for the hate and fear and wrath

of our Pure White God’s Jubilee and Rapture!

yea, it will come to pass that pick-up trucks will

inherit the Earth’s oil, and lottery tickets

will get us into a Heaven where the beer will flow

beside the still waters, and the Ringmaster will

cast the Evil into a Bottomless Pit Of Vengeance!

all to burn and burn forever til eternity itself

is lit and nothing is left except our Fiery Cross

of Stupidity (Praise The Lord!), Depravity (Praise The Lord!),

and Mortal Sin and Damnation (Praise, O Lordy! Praise!)

it was written that the day would come

when the Force of Satan would take on the visage

of Love and Peace, but we are not tempted to eat

from His table, for we are Fat with the Joy of the Light,

and our hands tremble as we build up the Flame!

so brothers and sisters, go ye forth to Malls

and buy as much as needed and more for the Coming

Cataclysm, and Bless thy ever expanding forms

in all nature of God’s Glut Of Glory!  Amen.

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

Who says I’m not doing my job?

I’m working on crime every day.

Murders, missing people and the drug mobs?

I’m going to solve it all this way:

The people who abuse the elderly,

the disabled, the immigrant workers and the gays;

these are people who drink too much Pepsi;

all that sugar is CRIMINAL I say.

Missing women and couples and children?

And unsolved murders and taser deaths?

It’s all related to sugary drinks.

Serial killers drink Pepsi I bet.

I’m your fighting Attorney General.

My staff has been working for years*

on the relation of major crime to soft drinks;

it’s all that sugar that does it I fear.

Now, I’ll ask my opponent, TJ Donovan:

“Are you soft on all those soft drinks?

Cause you’re on a kick now about marihuana,

And Pot leads to soft drinks, the hard stuff, I think.”

And so it is not the place of my office

to advocate for decriminalizing Pot;

cause people get stoned and drink and eat sweets,

and then kill and abuse the elderly and children a lot.

I’m your fighting Attorney General.

I busted the tobacco cartels.

And I’m going back after Vermont Yankee,

And if I loose again, well…what the Hell.

Cause I’ll be making it safe for Vermonters

who don’t want sugar to take over the streets;

and murderers and drug gangs from Mass better beware,

we’ll taser you criminals on sweets.

Peter Buknatski

(SORRELL MUST GO!)

Montpelier, Vt.

*Sorrell’s office confirmed that these records exist but, because they are public records that may aid criminal elements in their knowledge of how close the Vermont Attorney General’s office is to issuing warrants and making arrests in its WAR ON SWEETS, these records are NOT for public or media access.  “Get over this access to public records shit,”  Sorrell’s spokesperson told me.  “What?  Are you high on Coke?  A Cola?”

Now, Mister PeteySweety’s Neighborhood is something I’ve been doing on Facebook for a while.  All this nostalgia for Mister Rogers, and remembering Eddie Murphey’s brilliant Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood on SNL.  Mister PeteySweety can’t wait til late July and early August for the primary bullshit.  Can you say, kiddies: BILL SORRELL SUCKS?  I knew you could.  But this one is about Agri-Mark shitting on Vermont (“…our friendly farmers in New York and New England”  Fuckers!)  Also, a little friendly fun with Michael Colby, who exposed Cabot a long time ago (1995) on BGH.  Can you say:  LIBERAL FUCKS?  I knew you could.

MISTER PETEYSWEETY’S NEIGHBORHOOD

(With ‘special’ guests Larry, his brother Darryl, and his other brother Darryl to talk about their new line of Vermont Cheeses.  And ‘special’ thanks to Mister Michael Colby, mentioned below, repeatedly, for helping and inspiring Mister PeteySweety in his pursuit of truth and justice for young kiddies up to age 10, and especially truth and justice for young kiddies with older sisters.)

Hi kiddies.  I have something really special for you today because Mister PeteySweety’s got a special hair up his asshole today.  It’s a special show.  Because Mister PeteySweety thinks you’re special.  And Mister PeteySweety wants you to write another special letter today after we’re done with our special guests.  That’s right.  It’s going to be Letter Day again.  Yes.  Can you say:  AGRI-MARK IS A NAZI DOUCHE-BAG COMPANY THAT SHOULD PUT ‘WE FUCK VERMONT FARMERS’ AS A LABEL ON ALL ITS SHIT?  That’s right.  Mister PeteySweety is some wicked pissed, kiddies, about those mo’fuckers at Agri-Mark taking the Vermont logo off their Cabot Cheese products.  Listen to this shit, kiddies.  The dildo-dipshit-asshole fuckers say it’s because they’re complying with Vermont’s Truth In Labeling law, but Mister PeteySweety knows the real reason.  Can you say that special word Mister PeteySweety taught you our first time together?  That’s it–CONSPIRACY!  I knew you’d remember, cause you know Mister PeteySweety really likes that word.  And you kiddies should too.  It covers a lot of bases.  Like when your mommy and daddy tell you that you can’t get a handgun for Christmas, you say to them:  “What the fuck kind of CONSPIRACY is this, fucking mommy and daddy?  You’re violating my Second Amendment rights!  I WANT THAT FUCKING GUN IN CASE THE NAZIS COME FOR ME!!!  See.  It’s that easy.  You can do it.

So today, Mister PeteySweety says to Agri-Mark:  “We don’t need your steeenking cheeses.  Mister PeteySweety has some special friends who are making REAL Vermont Cheese.”  Come on out here guys.”

“Hi, kiddies.  I’m Larry.  This is my brother, Darryl.  And this is my other brother, Darryl.  Mister PeteySweety brought us here so we could tell you about the new All Native Vermont and Specially Aged Cheeses we’ve been making out in the woods, and hope to sell across the country, since Cabot is no longer officially a Vermont Cheese.  Hold up the first sample, Darryl.

Now this, kiddies, is our special Larry, Darryl & Darryl Aged In The Woods Vermont Cheddar.  Made from pure Vermont milk from pure Vermont cows we milk ourselves when the farmer in question is sleeping off his drunk after finding out he’s even more in debt than he thought.  We drive our truck all around Vermont.  The cows have gotten to know us, and the way we feel and smell.  Now, our cheese making process still has to be patented, but Mister PeteySweety here has graciously offered to get Mister Michael Colby of FOOD AND WATER to help us on that.  And Mister PeteySweety says that Mister Michael Colby will change the name of his national not-for-profit farm advocacy organization to FOOD AND WATER AND LARRY, DARRYL & DARRYL.  And change the name of its blogsite accordingly.  And also change the name of his other blogsite, BROADSIDES and also the name of his other other blogsite, SNARKY BOY.  So, Darryl, Darryl and I decided to dedicate this cheese to him.  We’re re-naming it Aged In The Woods  EXTRA SNARKY SHARP.  It’s been out there under the trees for a while and I’ll tell you, kiddies, this is the cheese folks are going to talk about.  Because not only will it make your home smell like Vermont, but Darryl says it gives your breath special aphrodisiastical powers. Darryl said he tried it in Downtown Barre last Saturday and all the women there fell all over him as he walked by.

Now, this other one we want to show you is…Darryl!  Quit feeding the cheese to your pet fisher!  Hold it up!  Thank you.

This is our Special & Aged CURED ROADKILL AND NATIVE VERMONT CANNABIS MILD & MELLOW VERMONT CHEDDAR.  We expect this one to be a big hit with the yuppies and twenty-something crowd and the candidates running for office this year.  And we’re going to send some to President Obama and Michelle cause we think they need to eat more and stop worrying about becoming obese cause my other brother Darryl said he heard that Mitt Romney and his Party and all his rich friends like black people who are somewhat fat cause they can’t run so fast.

So, kiddies, tell your mommies and daddies and all your friends and teachers and the guys who drive the Casella’s trucks to look for LARRY, DARRYL & DARRYL AGED & AROMATIC NATIVE VERMONT CHEESES, coming soon to independent corner stores all across America, and to that other place, Washington D.C., too.  Thank you, Mister PeteySweety for having us here today.  And Darryl and Darryl each have a big burlap bag for you.  One has our new FIDDLEHEAD CHEESE and the other one a big bundle of that other special stuff we grow in the woods that you like so much.  We’re hoping, Mister PeteySweety, if you can get rid of that Mister Bill Sorrell and get somebody who will help make a special Vermont law, we can attach some of this other special stuff to our cheeses.  Cause it really gives you the super munchies.  Bye, kiddies.  And my brother Darryl says bye, and my other brother Darryl says bye too.”

All right!  Wasn’t that special, kiddies?  Can you say LARRY, DARRYL & DARRYL AND MISTER MICHAEL COLBY ARE RIGHTEOUS FUCKING DUDES?  I knew you could.  Now, it’s Letter Time.  I want you to get out the colored construction paper, but NOT the colored crayons.  This letter has to be written in BLOOD.  You’ve got a pet at home, right?  Mister PeteySweety will wait while you kill it.  And for you kiddies who don’t have a pet, you can use red crayon, or go get mommy’s red yuppie lipstick.  But add a few drops of your own blood just to make it special.  Use that very sharp kitchen knife.  Yes.  I knew you could do it.  That didn’t hurt, did it?  Oops…if you cut too deep, kiddies, use daddy’s Red Sox t-shirt for a compress.  That’s good.  You’re so smart.  And so so good.  Mister PeteySweety loves you so much.  Are we having fun?  Are we all ready to write?  Good.  Write this:

Yes, kiddies.  Mister PeteySweety’s really ripped.  Can you say  SHOTGUN IT, MISTER PETEYSWEETY?  I knew you could.



Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.