As a public service, I’d like to provide a preview of the speeches and some of the floor activity that will occur at the upcoming conventions.
First, let me note that I won’t be focusing much on the Obama and McCain speeches; those are already going to get plenty of attention. Obama will give a stirring, inspiring speech, and John McCain will fall asleep at the podium. Instead, I’m going to focus on some of what you can expect from the other speeches.
I will begin this story by noting that I have never been to a convention, Democratic or Republican, though I have watched both on multiple occasions, and have, believe it or not, sat through entire convention speeches more than once, so I am a bit familiar with their style and approach, and have some passing familiarity with the cult-like mindset of those who attend.
So, I present to you, a brief summary of what you can expect at the conventions.
Hillary Clinton
I think Clinton will give a great speech. My one concern is that of who gets to introduce her. If Terry McAuliffe gets the task, we may have a problem, as he’s been thoroughly conditioned to say the words “the next president of the united states” every time he mentions her name. Unless we can deprogram him in time, this could be awkward.
Mitt Romney
Mitt Romney, I’m certain, will do a fine job with his speech. But the most important thing will be to investigate what his hair tells you. If it’s his usual perfect coif, it imparts a sign of calm assurance. If even a single hair is misplaced, it could mean any number of bad portents, from him having forgotten to pack enough magic underwear to a sudden crisis of conscience or, as the GOP puts it, realization that he’s not getting paid for his speech.
Elliot Spitzer
Elliot Spitzer has a prior commitment and will be unable to attend the convention.
Fred Thompson
Fred Thompson’s speech will be repeatedly interrupted by awkward pauses, followed by him looking offstage and shouting “line?”
Joe Biden
Biden is in his strongest element talking about himself. His speech will go twenty minutes over and will, in fact, be lifted wholesale from a New York Times review of his bestselling autobiography, “Biden on Biden”
Jesse Jackson
See Elliot Spitzer
Tom Tancredo & Duncan Hunter
Tom Tancredo and Duncan Hunter will give a joint speech in which they illustrate the various ways people can tell them apart.
It will not work.
Mike Gravel
Mike Gravel will do a performance art piece in which he shoves Denis Kucinich, who is dressed as a mime, into an imaginary pool.
Jim Gilmore
Jim Gilmore’s invitation was lost in the mail
Bill Richardson
Richardson will be body-slammed by Bill Clinton on the convention floor. He will remain in traction for the rest of the week.
John Edwards
See Elliot Spitzer
Rudy Giuliani
Rudy Giuliani’s speech at the convention will be interrupted by a call form his bookie.
Al Gore
Al Gore will arrive on horseback, wearing a suit of carbon-neutral armor. He will refer to his mode of transportation as being “biofueled.” His boots will leave no carbon footprint and his helmet will be solar-powered.
He will make no references to a lockbox.
Larry Craig
Expect Larry Craig’s speech to be replaced at the last minute by a Gilbert and Sullivan Medley.
Joe Lieberman
Joe Lieberman’s primary role at the Republican convention will be to stand beneath John McCain and catch him whenever he falls, and serve as his personal masculinity assurance agent and food taster. He is unlikely to perform the full Zell, as Lieberman does not understand the concept of a duel.
Denis Kucinich
Kucinich, still dressed as a mime, will attempt to promote his resolution mandating that house elves get equal rights.
George H. W. Bush
Bush will appear side by side with McCain in order to make McCain look younger.
It will not work.
William Jefferson Clinton
President Clinton will “accidentally” call Barack Obama “boy.”
He will blame the media.
George W. Bush
Bush will, not necessarily in this order:
Promote a cogent comprehensive plan to cut greenhouse gases by 80% over the next five years, but threaten to veto its funding.
He will also crack at least five different jokes, insulting at least seven ethnic groups, women, gays and the mentally disadvantaged. He will not get the irony.
Dick Cheney
Of course, the most anticipated speech of either convention will be that of Dick Cheney. Not because of what he might say, but instead, what he might do. There are several theories about Cheney:
- that he is a Cyborg;
- that he is the antichrist (false: the antichrist is supposed to be popular);
- that he is a minion of Satan (false: he is a minion of Haiburton, which is a subsidiary of Satan);
- that he is a homunculus;
- that he is simply evil;
But the most important thing to remember is not that Cheney shot a guy in the face, but that the man apologized to Cheney for the incident.
So, in short, whatever Cheney does at the convention will either very tragic, very funny, or both. Me, I’m hoping he “accidentally” swallows a congressional page.
John Kerry
John Kerry… will give… a speech. It will… be… a good speech… it will… contain… facts… that… might… be… interesting. It… will… contain… half… the words… of most… other speeches… and take… three times… as long.
Newt Gingrich
Newt Gingrich will threaten to shut down the convention if he’s not nominated Vice President.
Chris Dodd
Chris Dodd, having gnawed his own leg off to survive Kerry’s speech, will be unavailable for the remainder of the convention.
Ron Paul
Ron Paul will meet with an unfortunate “accident” that prevents him from giving his speech. His supporters will be beaten back with tear gas.
Bloggers
All bloggers in attendance will be restricted to a special “free speech” zone. It will not have wifi access.
