This just in, folks:

My ‘undisclosed sources in The Boardroom’ have told me that Monsanto and other companies and organizations in the GE FOODS INDUSTRY will announce shortly that they will file a Class Action Food-Fight Lawsuit against Vermont for recent state legislation calling for the labeling of GE Foods.

Artificial-Life Spokesperson Harry ‘Borg’ Bugfree of Monsanto is said to be preparing a statement to be read on FOX NEWS, even though Vermont Governor Shumlin has yet to sign the Vermont GE LABELING bill into law.

When contacted about the impending major ‘Big Money’ suit against Vermont, Vermont’s Attorney General Bill Sorrell said:  

“Shit.  This is going to screw up my ‘quiet’ campaign to get re-elected this November.  I tried to warn these anti-GE people that Vermont can’t afford to get into a ‘Break the State Budget’ battle with the GE Foods Industry.  We’ll lose.  Just like I lost with Entergy.  Sonofabitch!  I’m expected to go to Court this Fall in the middle of my ‘quiet’ re-election campaign and take on big shot corporate lawyers who have more resources and brains than me?  What The Fuck?!  First it’s the goddamn Heroin, and now the Luddites coming up with this labeling crap!  Why the fuck does everybody have to make my job so hard?  

“I ought to come out myself and declare this labeling law Unconstitutional, before the Courts do.  Man.  I just want things QUIET.  This was a nice ‘quiet’ job before all the anti-nukers started in, and now it’s the fucking Soy-Suckers.  Yeah.  Maybe we really do have a Heroin Problem in Vermont.  Maybe the whole State Legislature is on the shit.  I’d investigate, but…well…that’s not my job.  That’s up to the Feds.  Just like this GE labeling law is up to the Feds.  

“Fuckin’ A!  Read the goddamn Patriot Laws, for Chrissake, before you pass outrageous and indefensible State laws!  It says so right there–the Federal Government will not tolerate any actions by people, organizations, or state and local elected bodies that threaten the Public Tranquility of the People, nor the Domestic Safety of the United States and its CITIZENS.  And the U.S. Supreme Court says the GE FOODS INDUSTRY are citizens–PEOPLE!  Goddamnit!  Why the fuck didn’t the State Legislature vote to LABEL SODA AND OTHER SUGARY SWEET DRINKS?  I’d lose THAT lawsuit too, but at least I could get away with it, because NOBODY WOULD GIVE A SHIT!  

“Fuck me!  All right.  I’ve got to go read this goddamn GE bill now.  Haven’t read it yet.  Got a lot on my plate.  Look at all this shit on my desk.  Some asshole group just dumped off another batch of Civil Rights complaints.  Violations of migrant workers’ rights, violations of elderly and disabled peoples’ rights, violations of Open Meeting laws, violations…well, this is about Tasers…I can circular file that.  But, Hell and Goddamnit!  You see the shit I have to put up with?  What next?  Am I supposed to waste my time on drug-related CRIME next?  

“I was getting ready to come out with a campaign statement on how CIGARETTE SMOKERS should have to be ‘licensed’ by the State–Remember how I single-handedly brought down Big Tobacco years ago?  Big Tobacco would threaten to sue us again on my licensing idea too, but I’m not really serious, it’s just a good campaign issue.  Now, instead, I’ve got to face the GE FOODS INDUSTRY.  Mother-F!  They’re going to clean our clock.  I can only hope I can make it look like I’m going to put up a real fight when it comes to Court, as long as it comes to Court AFTER the November election.  If it comes to Court right off, all you fuckers better not give me any shit about how I handle it.  Or NOT handle it.  

“Remember–Everything’s FEDERAL!  Take it up with Sanders.  That sonofabitch!  Sitting in the U.S. Senate making noise about Big Business.  None of them corporations sue HIM!  Shit.  Well, I can always send in the Second Team against Monsanto and Whatever, and, when they lose, say HELL, NOT MY FAULT.  MY OFFICE OBVIOUSLY NEEDS A BIGGER BUDGET.

“Boy.  This AG job.  I don’t know how I’ve managed to put up with it for 17 years.  17 Years!  Years!  For 17 Years has Bill Sorrell taken on the Horrors of Office.  For 17 Years have I floated upon the surface of the Deep Dark Shroud Of The Sea Of Law, Order, And RESPONSIBILITY.  Mockery!  Mockery!  Here.  Stand close to me, you fuckers.  Let me look into a human eye.  Yes, I wouldst if I couldst spit in thine eye, if it were not for the obsession that drives and pushes me.  SODA.  I must give chase against all natural longings and reason to that Evil Beast which BECKONS ME!  But, alas, now what once was a Mild Mild Wind and a Mild Looking Sky has become, for me, a Whirlwind, a Maelstrom of Eternal Woe and Damnation!  My Re-Election!  My Re-Election!  Mockery…Will I be Re-Elected and live to tell the tale?”

Yes.  And those were his exact words, before he went off ‘blubbering’ some stuff about GOOD and EVIL.  And how GOOD and EVIL was all FEDERAL too.  Poor fellow.  I will update you as this story develops.  Or not.

Call me

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.