Thanks to Ed Garcia (kestrel) on FACEBOOK for posting the Vermont State Police press release of 4/19/13 warning Vermonters to report ‘suspicious’ activity that might relate to events in Boston. Apparently the State Police that morning got a call about a Boston area taxi driving ‘suspiciously’ in the passing lane of I-89 at 45 mph. When stopped, it was found the cab carried no terrorists. “Whew.” BUT, we must still maintain our ‘unique’ Vermont vigilance, for the everyday activities of all of us Vermonters are constantly suspect, being as how we’re all Radicals, Gays, Gun Nutters, Tree-Huggers, and all belong to that Great Vermont Yard-Sale Underground Movement. Also, my thanks to those two great movies, INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (both versions) and BRAZIL.
BE ON THE LOOK-OUT…
…for suspicious types. For cars with Massachusetts’ license plates. For cars with ANY out-of-state plates. For people with accents, and funny clothes, and backpacks. Be on the look-out for people wearing Boston Red Sox and Boston Celtics T-shirts and caps. Keep a close eye on the white line in the center of the road. Report any person or persons using the words Do It Now! on their cell phones. Report any person asking you for directions. Or for the time. Keep alert when you walk into town in the morning, and if a suspicious person says to you Hi. Isn’t it a nice day?–report that person immediately.
This is an Orange Alert! Call 911 or 1-900-6969 with any information you think the authorities need to know.
Beware of people who are smiling, and note any and all changes in behavior of your family, friends, neighbors, store clerks, librarians, restaurant and bar staff, school children, animals, and the weather. Avoid big crowds, and small crowds. Look both ways before getting out of bed. Do not sign any petitions. Do not give money to causes, charities, or the homeless. If anyone, even someone close to you, even someone you are having sex with at the moment, utters words or exclamations that seem inappropriate, immediately run out into the middle of the street and scream while pointing your finger in that person’s direction to assist us in securing the perimeter. If you enter a room or an establishment where people suddenly cease talking when you enter, leave immediately and contact the nearest authorities. Report all suspicious electronic posts, including those from all social media outlets and your own e-mails. Do not delete your e-mails, including the spam, as you may be destroying vital information important to our National Security. If you feel you are being followed on the street by someone who is walking too close behind you, scream and point. Boil your drinking water. And your bath water. Do not eat or buy kale, and do not drink 2% milk.
Report any and all strange smells and noises. Do not pick up money off the street. Lock your home and car doors and any and all other doors you come across in your day that are not locked. Make a list of people you remember from the last ten years who have offered you advice, and report them. When you see a disabled person walking too slow, scream and point. Scream and point at ANY person walking too slow, or standing still for too long. Anyone you see putting up any kind of posters should be immediately reported, after you scream and point. If someone screams and points at you, scream and point back, and then run to the nearest authorities. Or into the nearest traffic. And be especially on the look-out for any and all and close-enough suspicious types who are sitting on benches pretending to read books. Report them immediately.
Scream and point at anyone smoking a cigarette, a cigar, and especially a pipe. Scream louder and point harder if they are smoking while carrying a backpack and walking a dog. Do not feed the ducks or the pigeons. Do not pay cash for anything, and memorize and report any and all store signs that advertise any kind of sale or discount. When driving, do not pass anyone, and do not allow anyone to pass you. Honk and point and then scream, honk, and point at anyone or anything that inhibits the flow of traffic, including any red lights you think are behaving too slow, but not at people who have run out into the traffic screaming and pointing, unless they are screaming and pointing at you, in which case, you should pull over, get out of your car and lock it, and turn them AND yourself in to the nearest authorities. Do not eat lunch at your regular lunchtime, but rotate your lunches for your safety and the overall safety of the nation.
Do not go out at night to plays, only to movies. It is permissible for you to scream FIRE! and point in the movie theater if you see someone or something suspect. Write down anything your boss says or does at work that seems strange, annoying, or inconvenient to you in your pursuit of suspicious activities, and then report it all to the authorities. Do not lend matches to anyone, even, and especially, if they are dying. Avoid any and all people displaying colored hair, tattoos, shaved heads, body piercings, and lewd and suggestive body and finger language. You do not need to scream and point at them, as they themselves may be the authorities. And, if so, they are probably armed. And dangerous.
Remember: BE ON THE LOOK-OUT. REPORT. SCREAM AND POINT.
This Orange Alert is in effect until further notice. Do not discuss it with anyone. And avoid acting suspiciously or thinking suspicious thoughts.
Thank You.
Peter Buknatski
Montpelier, Vt.
(“AaaaAAAYYaaaahhh…EEEK!” Scream and Point. Kind of reminds me of that VIGIL shit from after George Bush’s re-election in 2004–Smile and Wave.)
never dissapoint, this one is no exception. Thanks PS for keepin it real & the much needed comedy relief. Rock on.
Just try to un-suspiciously monitor whether
my kids,
or your kids,
or my neighbor’s kids,
or the parents of my neighbor’s kids,
or their grandparents, . . .
might be smoking pot?
Or not smoking pot, which can be suspicious too?
Don’t be too un-suspicious.
Keep your loins girded for the War.On.
Drugs.People.Using.Substances no matter how much duct tape you need to deploy in Our.War.Against.Terror.Being.Afraid.But remember, if we fight these TWO wars, on BOTH fronts, we still need to protect our soft underbelly from the creeping menace of socialism. Not to fear, however, (but always be afraid) because we can contain socialism as long as we win The.War.for.Austerity, in which case we can relax from class-war fatigue.