Following conclusively on a clandestine investigation of “Climategate” which was undertaken decades ago by a super secret UN commission, so-called “global warming” has been officially declared dead.

Apparently, the idea that man-made climate change is rapidly progressing, or, indeed occurring at all is just an elaborate fabrication by several extremely powerful global forces.

Of course Barack Hussein Obama and his forward-thinking parents had more than a little to do with providing cover to the unfolding hoax.  

Originators of the infamous Nigerian e-mail scam,  these clever entrepreneurs cut their teeth on shady abalone speculation that eventually included unidentified investors in the Hawaiian Islands who were only too happy to represent young Barry as their home boy in exchange for a “favor” that he would one day be asked to return.

The ongoing investigation is expected to reveal who those investors were, as well as a host of other powerful operatives, from Wall Street to K Street, who have worked tirelessly over the years to achieve a seamless backstory.  A multi-billion dollar industry grew-up, almost over-night, in response to the perceived need to reduce carbon emissions; and it was all thanks to very clever marketing and some shrewd sleight-of-hand.

The UN Commission did find, however, that the unmistakable imprint of one man’s hand could be plainly seen in the complex architecture of the scheme.

Bent billionaire, Lex Luthor, employing his usual flair for theatrics, as well as some of the best movie industry masters,  provided the technical illusions.  So persuasive were their inventions that even the experts were fooled!

His interest in perpetuating the myth?  Coastal real estate.

That’s right, it was all part of an elaborate land-grab scheme by Luthor to devalue oceanfront property through rising sea-level scares.

It has now been revealed that global sea-level is actually dropping slightly, adding inches , and in some places feet to coastlines everywhere.  

Mr. Luthor’s recent bargain-basement coastal acquisitions, including the entire island nation of Naru, have actually grown since he purcheased them and their value is poised to sky-rocket in the wake of this news.

Even as this story goes to press, Prius owners are flooding into Toyota dealerships demanding the return of their SUV’s.  Open coal fires light the New England hillsides as communities breakout in spontaneous celebration of the good news.

Al Gore could not be reached for comment.