Hi, I’m PeteySweety and you’re not.

In the news today, two really big stories.  What’s that, Emily?  No, we’ll get to your commentary later.  This is Hard News, Emily.  In the news, North Korea’s…I heard that, Emily.  I am NOT a BITCH.  Be quiet.  North Korea’s High Commissar of Political Correctness said his nation now has yet another reason to Nuke us.  Generalissimo Dim Dim Bulb said recent statements by Rush Limbaugh about what real marriage is are counter-revolutionary and an insult and attack upon the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea–gotta pick my nose here a minute, folks…ah…there–and that the DPRK will take the appropriate action.  Bulb said Limbaugh’s recent comment about real marriage having lost its true definition and that Gay Marriage is “inevitable” is inflammatory and war mongering, because, according to Bulb: “Everyone knows that real marriage is between a Comrade and the State, except fat American pig who have sex with running dog.”  Gotta pick my nose again here, folks…excuse me…boy, look at that one…Anyway, Mr. Bulb added some more Marxist-Leninist stuff–which I don’t understand…do you?…and then he said North Korea has set aside a specific nuclear missile for Limbaugh the next time Limbaugh visits San Francisco to speak at an AIDS fundraising event.  “AIDS,” said Dimy, “is something we do not have in the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea because sex with the state is in its purest form.  We have sex with the State and the State bites off our head.  This is why we are strong in our commitment to end all life on earth and declare a Communist victory.”   When Mr. Bulby was asked by a Polish correspondent how many comrades it took to screw him in, Dim-Boy left the press conference abruptly saying he had to go check on his missiles to make sure comrades remembered to put in the batteries and light the wood stoves.

Boy…In other news…not yet, Emily…we’re getting there…in other news, COMCAST announced today that, after the Supreme Court repeals the Voting Rights Act, it will offer a  comprehensive Electronic Voting package to every American consumer.  It will include Voting Channels on home TVs, home computers, cell phones, automobiles, jogging meters, and WalMart shopping carts.  Comcast said that it will ask Congress to make COMCAST the number one source of balloting in America, and authorize it to collect fees from each and every COMCAST customer to, and I quote here: “pay for the vote.”  COMCAST said it will also ask Congress for the authority to disconnect each and every voter who does not keep up with his or her monthly contract payments as defined in the fine print or by service reps in Calcutta.  And for low income and minority COMCAST customers, COMCAST will offer a “special discount package” which will enable those low income and minority customers to “watch the rest of America vote.”  COMCAST said Americans should all expect an “information mailing” on this to begin next week and continue daily indefinitely.

Boy, I can hardly wait for that.  How ’bout you?

Okay…Emily…EMILY!…you’re on now.

Thanks, PeepingPetey, and I just…

That’s PETEY-SWEETY, Emily…I told you that before.  More than once.

Okay.  Petey…Sleazy…whatever…Today, I just want to say to everybody, what’s all this stuff I hear about everybody getting their news off of Bogsites?  In the Pine Barrens in New Jersey, where I grew up, we had bogs all over the place, and some of them had cranberries, and some of them all kinds of stuff, and some of that stuff was disgusting stuff like the stuff Peepers here just picked outta his nose.  I mean bogs had mosquitoes and sometimes wild boars, and we had to run when we were little kids for our lives because you don’t want no bog monster to get you and bite off your little pinky fingers and toes, and we yelled “Moma! Daddy!  Save Us!”  and our parents said we should stay away from the bogs and then they hit us with a Pine Barren tree, but now I hear people are going to bogs to get their news and do this stuff called social networking, and I don’t think they should be hanging around the bogs at all because of the mosquitoes and the monsters and the trolls, but now I hear they’re doing this stuff on these bogs, and I’m wondering how disgusting this country is coming to if people go to bogs all the time to…

Emily…EMILY…

Whaat?

Emily.  That’s blogs.  Blogsites.  Not bogs.  Blogs.  Blogsites are on the computers, not in the Pine Barrens.  It’s electronic communication.  Like what we’re doing now.

BLOGS?

That’s right, Emily.

Oh.  Never mind.  But now what’s all this stuff I hear about these crazy Republicans going out and raping and then bringing it up all the time on TV and on…on those…blog sites?…I mean………….

AND THAT’S THE NEWS

Have a Great April 1st!

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.