(I thought GMD could use a flight of fancy just about now; and no one provides more satisfying ones than does Petey.   – promoted by Sue Prent)

University of Chicago…5 minutes ago…

A spokesperson for the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists revealed today that the famous DOOMSDAY CLOCK, set up in 1947 to monitor how close THE END OF THE WORLD is, has been found to be running about five minutes slow.  The Bulletin set the DOOMSDAY CLOCK at Five Minutes To Midnight in 2012, and announced this Monday that it would stay at Five Minutes To Midnight for the rest of 2013.  But, according to Bulletin spokesperson and Atomic Scientist Andy Polack, an anomaly now exists regarding the CLOCK’S accuracy, as the U of C custodian in charge of the CLOCK apparently never adjusted the CLOCK to accurate time in 2012.

“Yeah, I know, it’s kind of a screw-up, I guess, but Hell, we’re Atomic Scientists here, not The Timex Group.  Truth is, the damned Clock’s been running slow since 1949, but we always adjusted for that, and then set the big hand–it’s the Big Hand, right?–we set the big hand for the so many minutes to DOOM or The End Of The World, or whatever you want to call it.  I guess last year, Frank, the custodian in charge of the Clock, had some overtime pay issues here with the University, and was out on some kind of wildcat strike protest the day he was supposed to set the Clock right.  He got fired, and the University simply replaced him with…well, I guess you would call it a part time ‘scab’ custodian last year, and we all kind of forgot the most important thing Frank used to do with the Clock, and then the goddamn Custodians’ Union made the University hire a guy full time with overtime and benefits to be in charge of the Clock, and, well, seems like maybe somebody forgot to put setting the right time on the Clock in the new job description, or whatever, and, well…so all through 2012, after we did our DOOM setting at Five Minutes To Midnight, the Clock was actually running five minutes slow.  So, when we here at the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists say The End Of The World is five minutes away, it’s actually not.  I guess the Doomsday Clock should actually read Midnight or close to it, but, you know…shit happens.  Anybody got the time?  My watch is fucked-up.”

Polack said the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists and the University of Chicago will be hiring the CLoseButNoCigar Big Clock Company to come in and fix the DOOMSDAY CLOCK so it will not run slow anymore.  “And, of course,” Polack explained, “we don’t want it to run fast either.  That would really screw-up our projections on The End Of The World.  The CloseButNoCigar Company comes with this great recommendation from this group called Montpelier Alive in Montpelier, Vermont.  Seems CloseButNoCigar has been doing a great job over the years with the Big Clock located up on Montpelier’s City Hall tower.  And, I want to add, just so people won’t get all panicky or pissed-off, that we figure the Doomsday Clock isn’t really EXACTLY five minutes slow–maybe we’ve got about 30 or 35 seconds before the ACTUAL End Of The World, and that’s plenty of time.  Hell, that’s a SHITLOAD of time when you’re talking in terms of The End Of The World.  Hey, just look at how those Mayans fucked-up.  And they didn’t have to worry about or factor in the stuff us Atomic Scientists constantly deal with–like Jodie Foster announcing she’s GAY, or snow in Israel, or the new Neil Diamond CD.  I think we here at the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists have done a pretty fair job over the years on being like really close in our estimates about The End Of The World.  I mean, it’s the CLOCK that’s fucked-up, not us.  And we’re going to fix that.  So, let’s just say for now that it’s 30 Seconds To Midnight, and leave it at that.  AND, of course, hope and pray that nothing EARTHSHAKING happens for the rest of 2013.  Then, in 2014, we’ll probably go digital.  Maybe have a beeping alarm built into the CLOCK, just in case, and maybe do a New Year’s Eve thing with it like they do in Times Square.  I don’t know.  There’s all kinds of stuff we can do.  We’re Atomic Scientists.  And we want the DOOMSDAY CLOCK to be…well…like COOL.  Once it’s running right again, that is.  So thank you all.  And hey, what time did you say it was?”

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.