by Professor PeteySweety CsD (Doctor of Conspiracies)
11:11:11 UTC (Coordinated Universal Time, whatever)
Yeah folks, that’s the exact time tomorrow when The World Will Come To An End. Converted for you laypeople (I love that PC word), that’s 6:11 am Eastern Time, like 3:11 am California Time, man, and 12:11 pm Vatican Time. So remember, if you have friends in California at Daily Kos, let’s say, you can post to or chat with them up until 6:10 am tomorrow. Say your goodbyes and final thoughts.
How this relates to my scientific work is that this afternoon I’m going to Charlie Os and, hopefully, drink for free, because Os will close early tomorrow morning, just hours before THE END. (Talk about Last Call, Junior) As a Doctor of Conspiracy, I hope to observe the average Montpelieran’s interpretations of what I call THE FINAL INEVITABLE.
For those of you layfolks (heh) wishing to experience THE END OF THE WORLD, I advise you to set your alarms for about 5:45 am tomorrow morning, so you’ll have time to post to California, where it will only be 2:45 am (following this?), and, hopefully, your friends will just be getting home from LAST CALL out there, and will be in the mood to chat a while. Or post DENIALS in the comments section.
I must warn you all, however, that I have uncovered a CONSPIRACY in progress to PREVENT THE WORLD FROM ENDING. I have been studying email reports from my STAFF OF EXPERTS that reveal an insidious plan by Political and Religious Leaders and Heads of State to cancel-out or, at least postpone THE END OF THE WORLD. It appears to me, from these expert reports, that Corporations and the Very Rich want to CASH IN on THE END OF THE WORLD this Christmas. Watch out for higher prices at WalMart today and this evening. From the data I have examined, it looks to me that The Rich not only want to make a killing this Christmas (oh, pardon my politically incorrect wording), but that they want some more time to complete and stockpile the Underground Playlands they have been building since Reagan became President. I have pinpointed a date in early February that seems to have significance–Feb. 11–after GroundHog Day and before Valentine’s Day. Also after the SUPER BOWL.
What this means to you, the average person not in the loop, is that the LEADERS OF THE WORLD will come up with a lot of bullshit tomorrow if nothing happens. They will probably tell you that the MAYANS just ran out of tablets, or whatever, to make a NEW Calendar. Or that the MAYANS couldn’t pick up a NEW Mayan Calendar because there were no Banks, Printers, Insurance Companies, Construction Companies or Car Dealerships back then. LIES! Do not be deceived by normality today and tomorrow. THE END IS COMING! It’s just a question of how long THE VERY RICH can delay the processes I have fully researched and, in my own humble way, have helped to make an EXACT SCIENCE.
What I would suggest to you average people is that you come to Charlie Os this afternoon around 4 pm (don’t ask for a UTC on that), and buy my drinks before Junior raises the prices tomorrow if THE END OF THE WORLD is put on hold. I may have more data to relate to you this afternoon, depending on whether my STAFF OF EXPERTS continue to probe the variables, or, in their state of agitation and stress, decide to get a head start on me in getting SHITFACED. There is an EXACT SCIENCE to all this. And I will explain it to you at 4 pm today at Charlie Os in simple terms your little pea-brains can comprehend.
Now I must go, for a report has just come in from my EXPERT in Warsaw. But I can give you this one last bit of information–The rumors that Duct Tape will PREVENT THE END OF THE WORLD have absolutely no validity according to the data I have thus far analysed.
See you at 4 pm. Remember–THE CLOCK IS STILL TICKING!
Peter Buknatski
Montpelier, Vt.