BREAKING NEWS!…Hollywood…30 seconds ago

Oliver Stone To Direct First REPUBLICAN NOIR Movie

With Republicans acting as born losers now, a whole new genre is beginning to emerge on the American scene. Already, there are reports here in California of Republican motorcycle gangs whose members wear T-shirts with logos such as:  Born To Lose–Just Wait Til ’16, and Live Fast, Die Rich, Make A Good Looking Tax Shelter, and What Are We Voting Against?–Whaddya Got?

And California rock groups are coming on with songs hailing Republicans as the new misunderstood rebels of the decade: I Ain’t Payin’ Taxes Anymore, and A Hard Economy’s A Gonna Fall, and, an Elvis throwback, I’m All Taxed Up.

Republican Angst it is called.  Or, Republicans Without A Cause.

Rumors also now are that these new Republican rebels have been experimenting with exotic ‘offshore’ drugs that allegedly help them make more profits through chanting, finger painting, and nude dance.  And there are increasing incidents of 20 and 30-something Republicans taking to the streets in defiance of all authority to hold LOVE THE RICH love-ins, and of them harassing respectable working class and middle class citizens with their anti-establishment of all social and economic programs attitude.

“These new Republican rebels are like Peter Fonda, Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson in three piece suits,” said one California working class union organizer.  “They break every law we’ve got, and scare the hell out of my wife and kids and mother.  Even my mother-in-law.  And the cops can’t seem to, or want to, do anything, and teenagers are now considering them some sort of anti-heroes.  Just yesterday, I saw my neighbor’s 14 year-old daughter in a cocktail dress.  And young boys walking around wearing Donald Trump ties.  Somebody’s got to do something!”

Well, somebody is.  It has been reported to us that Oliver Stone is putting together the very first REPUBLICAN NOIR film, called: Farewell, My Bailout.  This movie will allegedly expose the grittier side of the new Republican Hep-Cat Rebel movement.  Plenty of sex and violence, we hear.  With Sarah Jessica Parker and Jennifer Aniston cast as Michele Bachmann-Ann Coulter Republican Noir femme fatales. And Arlo Guthrie as a disillusioned IRS auditor torn between upholding the system or helping a aging shadowy loner named Newt, played by Harry Dean Stanton, create the biggest stock market crash ever.  

Newt’s motive was given to us in this ‘exclusive’ piece of noir dialogue from the film: “Economic Chaos for Economic Chaos’ sake, man!  Dig it!” says Stanton as Newt. “Fucking 47 percenters!  Fucking Dildo-Dipshit-Assholes!  Fucking Rodriquez Brothers!  Shit!  There’s gotta be a way of finding out how much they owe and making them pay!”  We have not been told who is doing the screenplay for Stone’s film, but we do know for sure that Mickey Spillane died in 2006.

Also, we hear there will be a drag-racing ‘chicken’ scene, with Stanton and Guthrie driving SUVs with dogs in cages on their roofs, heading for the edge of a ‘fiscal cliff’, whatever that is.

It is reported that Stone has hired Hank Williams Jr. and Neil Diamond to create a “haunting, evocative” score–“part classical, part country yahoo, part elevator and dentist office music.”  And that Bob Dylan has been cast in the role of a rich Republican Presidential candidate who gets beat up by the incumbent President, played by Bill Cosby, causing the Dylan character to drift aimlessly from one religious cult to another, finally dying in a shoot out with a lesbian couple at a same-sex wedding in Montpelier, Vermont.  Other location scenes in Montpelier, we hear, will feature Tea Party Republican rebels fighting it out with liberal trust funded Peace Ninnies. And two brooding noir assignation scenes set in two popular Montpelier bars known as Charlie Os and Three Penny Taproom, where the Aniston/Coulter character tries to seduce the local radical communist drug-addicted madman named Mister PeteySweety, played by a character who closely resembles the deceased Hunter S. Thompson.

No real production schedule has been revealed, as, we are told, Stone wants to improvise along as the Republican Rebel movement continues to develop.  We have confirmed, however, that many other location shots were already filmed on Nov. 23 at WalMarts around the country, supposedly depicting 20 and 30-something Republican rebels shopping in a lurid frenzy for “the sheer Hell of it!”  Many of these scenes are said to be so explicit that they may earn Stone’s new film an X rating.  And possibly some lawsuits.  

Sources tell us that a liberal activist named John Odum, not attached to the film, was fatally trampled to death in a WalMart parking lot while he was trying to collect signatures on a petition denouncing a local noir politician known only as Leftfield.

We will follow the story of this film as it unfolds.  As for the new Republican Rebel movement, we advise parents out there to watch out if their pre-teen children ask for shrimp and white wine for breakfast.

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

(and Hollywood, California)