The Fundamentalist Muslim, The Fundamentalist Christian & The Broomhandle (And Romney)

(I’m really getting sick of this 12th Century shit.  What year is this?  HELLO???)

A Muslim fundamentalist walks into a bar, sits down next to a Christian fundamentalist, and orders a goatsmilk.

Ryan the bartender says:  “What?”

The Christian fundamentalist says:  “Hey, you must be new around here.  They don’t have any of that goatsmilk.”

“Figures,” says the Muslim fundamentalist.  “What are you drinking?”  he asks the Christian fundamentalist.

“A Bud and a shot of JC,” answers the Christian fundamentalist.

“What’s JC?”  asks the Muslim dude.

“Well, it’s really Jack Daniels,”  replies the Christian dude.  “But I call it JC for Jesus Christ.  My body and blood.  Heh-heh.  It’s a little joke Ryan and I and some of us other Christian fundamentalists have.”

“Oh,”  says the Muslim dude,  “so you’re one of those.  I’m a Muslim fundamentalist.  Pleased to meet you.”

“Same here,”  says the Christian dude.  “Say, I’ve always wanted to meet one of you guys.  Ryan and me and the boys are planning on bombing a Planned Parenthood office.  We could use some expert advise.”

“Well,”  says the Muslim,  “I can help you there.  First, according to the secret teachings of our prophet, Mohammad, you will need a broomhandle.”

“Hey, I’ve heard of that Mohammad dude,”  says the Christian.  Didn’t know about his broomhandle stuff.  Thought we invented that.  Been using them for decades now.  They’re a lot easier to shove up your ass than a cross, I’ll tell you that.”

“Yes,”  says the Muslim.  “Our beloved Mohammad discovered this, and put it in his secret teachings.  The ones that infidel Salmon Rushdie exposed.  The broomhandle is sacred to us.  It is used for many things.  And for worship too.  And, of course, you can hollow it out and fill it with explosives and carry it right into an office or even an embassy and, as long as you attach a mop head or a broom head to it, people will think you’re just the janitor.”

“Cool,”  says the Christian.  “Hey, my name’s Mitt.  Like that Mormon guy.”

“My name’s Al,”  says the Muslim.  “For alQueda A Nal.  I would be most pleased to help you with your bombing, Mitt.  And perhaps you can help me with mine?”

“Who are you going to bomb, Al?”

“Does it matter whom we bomb, Mitt?  Does your prophet or mine really specify targets?  Are we not just driven by the divine force of the sacred broomhandle?”

“Yeah, you’re right, Al.  Okay.  Just let me finish my JC.  Then we’ll get to work.  Hey, Al, you Muslim fundamentalists are okay.  You’re just like Ryan and me.”

“Well, not quite, Mitt.  Say, I must go to the men’s room.  There’s something I need to do.”

“Right over there.  You want to take that long coat off and leave it here?  I’ll watch it for you, Al.”

“Not necessary.  The long coat, you see, is also part of Mohammad’s secret teachings.  I shall return.”

Mitt turns to Ryan the bartender:  “What a swell dude.  And Ryan, he’s one of those Muslim fundamentalists.”

WHAT?!?”  yells Ryan.  “I don’t want any of those crazy motherfuckers in here!  Jesus!  You go tell him to get the fuck outta here, Mitt!”

“Jeez, Ryan.  Take it easy.  Them Muslim fundamentalists is just like me and you, fer Chrissake!  Get the broomhandle out of your asshole.”

“Fuck you, Mitt.  Get the broomhandle outta your own asshole!”

But, of course, children, in the secret teachings of our beloved prophets, once the sacred broomhandle is removed, as Al is doing right now…well…KA-BOOM!!!  Somebody ought to tell WalMart that their broomhandles need timers.

Praise The Lord!  Ours and Theirs.  It’s all the same.  Fucking Assholes All Of Us.  Or, as another patriarchal Holy Shit once said:  “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds!”  Nice one, Vishnu.  You’re all alike too.

Yes, ASSHOLES and BROOMHANDLES.  This is what religion makes of us.  Shit, I need some Kool-Aid.

(Oh…I might add that it’s popped into my head that Innocence Of Muslims may very well be a Right Wing/Corporate ‘planned’ event.  Mitt Romney was really fast on the draw there to come out and blame Obama before the dust had even settled in Libya.  Did you notice that?  Almost as if he had been ‘prepared in advance’ for the October Surprise EARLY.  It’s been done.  Kissinger’s evil machinations held up peace with North Vietnam in 1968, and got Nixon elected.  And we all remember what happened to Jimmy Carter in 1980.  Yeah, I think certain ‘fundamentalist’ factions in this country would say:  “Hey, we can put Obama on the spot just like Carter in ’80 if we put out a movie insulting Mohammad.  Those people are sensitive about their prophet.  They’ll go ballistic, count on it.  A lot of violence and anti-Americanism.  It’ll be just like the Hostage Crisis in ’80.  Easy.  Let’s do it.  We can raise 5 million bucks.” (where did that money come from?)  Yeah.  Coincidentally a movie comes out in September to fire-up Muslim fundamentalists and cause bloodshed.  Coincidentally, Mitt Romney is raving before we even know all the particulars about the incident in Libya.  Hmmm…I smell a very large RAT.  His name is CONSPIRACY–the Rat that eats out the heart and mind of America.  I’m afraid there’ll be more to come from OUR fundamentalists.  Another film?  A book?  It’s a clever way to monkey-wrench this coming election.  And hey, while we’re at it, let’s label those striking teachers in Chicago and all other forms of political, social and ‘economic’ protest here as aiding and abetting our enemies abroad.  Why, I think you have a PLAN there, Republicans.)

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, VT.