Breaking news…today…

Bill Sorrell said today in an ‘exclusive’ interview with The WalMart Green News & Environmental Shopper that he “doesn’t care” how much negative press he’s been getting lately because he is: “still the one all loyal Democrats will vote for once all loyal Democrats put aside the insignificance of Republicanesque attacks aimed at soiling the record of fifteen years of rock solid executive branch ‘electability’ and low key consistency as, not just Vermont’s Attorney General, but as Vermont’s Professional Attorney General.”

“You see,”  explained Sorrell to WalMart Green News reporter Karma Gibberish,  “I’m sort of like Jim Douglas.  He ran for Secretary of State unopposed and got re-elected and re-elected for about a hundred years.  Then he got elected Governor.  Why?  Name recognition.  When Dems see my name on the primary ballot this month, they’ll yawn, say ‘yeah, I know this guy’ and fill in the oval next to my name.  It’s that simple.  I don’t really have to campaign.  I’m too busy being Attorney General following and upholding the rule of law set down by the Vermont Legislature and the Federal Government.  That’s my job.  And that’s what I do.  And if sometimes that means not doing things, well that’s my job too, unless the Vermont Legislature or the Feds tell me otherwise.  

“You know,”  Sorrell continued,  “all this stuff coming out about the inmates at our correction centers being abused, and overcrowded, and working as slave labor, all this nonsense about the elderly and disabled being abused and robbed, all these unsubstantiated claims about migrant farm workers’ rights being violated, all this hysteria about missing people, unsolved cases, and Massachusetts meth gangs operating in Vermont, that’s all stuff that people who support TJ Donovan care about.  But I don’t care, because TJ Donovan is NOT Attorney General.  I am.  And will continue to be, because I can depend on the vote of Vermonters who are the silent majority; the people who can vote on this primary contest in their sleep.”

When Gibberish asked Sorrell if he were being perhaps too dismissive of issues Donovan and other sources, including the media, have brought to light, Sorrell answered:  “You know, Karma, I say Fuck ‘Em All!  I mean it.  I’m your Attorney General.  Howard Dean supports me.  Vermonters love Howard Dean.  I don’t have to kiss asses to

get votes.  The votes are already there.  As I said before, I’m your professional Attorney General.  I can do this job in my sleep.  Like I’ve done for the past fifteen years.  You might ask TJ Donovan why he brings up issues like questioning the AG’s office’s firm stand on steering legally clear of advocacy for marihuana.  It’s like Donovan is handing Randy Brock an issue.  Like the entire Democratic Party is stoned and being run by the Make Marihuana Legal Party.  I don’t think good loyal Democrats appreciate this.  I know I don’t.  It’s not my job to help Randy Brock get elected, and I will not drag the Attorney General’s office into Mr. Donovan’s attempt to give aid and comfort to the Republican Party.  That would be against the law as I see it, if there is one.  And don’t think I won’t check.”

And finally, Gibberish asked Sorrell who he thought would win in November, Obama or Romney.

“Obama’s the Democrat, right?  I’ve been so busy following and upholding state and federal laws.  But, let me say then that if Obama has been doing his job, he doesn’t need to worry.  I mean, we all have our jobs to do, and frankly I think it’s a pain in the ass when you have to spend time campaigning to keep somebody from stealing your job while you’re trying to do it.  There ought to be laws.  But that’s somebody else’s job.  So you see, Karma, it comes down to a question of job definition.  I do my job.  I assume Obama does his.  Now, Mr. Donovan comes along and starts up with stuff that changes the whole job definition thing, for myself and, I guess what Mr. Donovan also means, for the President too.  I’m your Attorney General.  I’m not the President of the United States.  What office exactly is Mr. Donovan running for?  And what kind of loyal Democrat is he?  I think Vermonters will decide that on…on August 21st…I mean August 28th…is that right?…Well, they, the loyal Vermont Democrats will decide.  And I know what they will decide.  So, I say again–why should I care?  It’s not my job to care.  That’s another department’s job.  I’ll look it up.  

“So, thank you, Karma, for letting me set the record straight.  And, just so you’ll have a scoop, I want to tell you here and now exclusively that I’m heading out to Danville to pick up a big endorsement.  The American Association of Dowsers.  Take that, TJ Donovan!  You see, I’m working all the time on unsolved crimes.  I’m a great believer in the use of modern technology for crime detection.  And with the Dowsers’ help, I’ll find more votes too.  Now, I hope to Hell I can find where I parked my car?  You WalMart folks have such big parking lots.  Aren’t you folks glad I don’t stick my office’s nose into some of your environmental crap?  If you want to make a contribution, here, make the check out to this address.  Where are those two little sticks the guy from Danville gave me?  Shit!  Don’t print that last stuff!  That’s off the record.  You know, like it’s none of the public’s business to have that kind of public access.  Some things are better left suppressed, for the greater good.  It’s not the public’s job to have a right to know everything.  I think there’s a Federal law on that.  I’ll look it up”

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, VT.