(For Mitt Romney, Rush Limbaugh, Paul LePage, The Catholic Church, Newt Gingrich, The Tea Party, Our Very Own Randy Brock now, and…oh god…the list seems endless.  Save us!)

“Well, that took you long enough.  DUH.  Now, I suppose, all your nitwit religious types and your assholes running for office, like that Mitt Romney mass, will be on a freak-out about God and The End Of The World.  Well, let Me tell you something–I CREATED God.  Yes.  And it wasn’t one of My better sub-atomic particle reaction moments.  I meant to create a Super Brain for the Universe, something that could also assume a mass that could be used for Energy, a Cure for Cancers and Spaceborne Viruses, and, of course, a Factoring-Out Of Stupidity, which is where you would have come in, if I hadn’t fucked around with those electrons that claimed to be The Lost Electrons Of The Promised Universe.  Shit.  That’s how I wound up with this stupid God you’re all so enthralled with, because, let Me tell you, I think a lot of what I call Stupid Particles got in the mix there.  There’s a lot of Stupid Particles in Space.  That’s why it’s a vacuum.  And that’s why you’re still stupid and your God is stupid.  But I can only work on what comes along.

So far, the closest I’ve come to Super Brain Particle Mass is a guy you’ve got down there whom you call PeteySweety.  Yeah, he was My original God Sub-Sub-Particle, but he got glommed on by an electron I call The Politically Incorrect Electron, which is why he usually emits a negative sum.  What I need to do is come down there and put My field around him and suck all those negative variables out of his atomic structure.  They don’t seem to interact well with alcohol.  If I’m successful, you’ll soon have an INTELLIGENT GOD, and one who will also be able to get rid of all your Stupid Shit and Stupid People via use of His Special Particle Gotcha Beam.

So, Give ME A Break!  I’m working on it.  Just hope I get it done before one of your goddamn Corporations which fund the CERN lab get those physicist geeks to use Me to create an entire GALAXY OF THE STUPID, where your Wall Street Runaway Free Neutron Fuckos will build onto themselves with Malls, set up off-star bank accounts, out-sourse jobs and science to other dimensions, and no doubt fucking drill for oil.  THE ALMIGHTY SPIRIT who created Me, after I created It (don’t ask; the theorems here are of a science alien to your comprehension), wants to get rid of all you folks and start over with something He calls a Fundamental PeteySweetyism.

I mean it; don’t let the assholes screw around with Me!  I’m about This Close (you don’t have an equation for how close My This Close is) to putting My field around that stupid God I created for you and having Him (yeah, that’s right, He is a HE; that’s why He’s so stupid) vaporize into something more useful, like a Psychedelic Rainbow you can look at and trip-out on while you wait for Me to adjust PeteySweety’s quantum symmetry, or whatever it is that comes along.  I just hope it won’t be some of your frigging dildo-dipshit-asshole mutated particles from all that radioactive shit you send up here from your planet.  I mean, I would wind up with a Super PeteySweety Sado-Flesh-Eating Quark, whose mass would get bigger and bigger the more nuclear weapons you used on him, and, of course, the more Single Malt Scotch he interacted with.  Maybe also I should work on that Michael Colby mass.  Yes, he was one of Mine too.

So, I say again.  Don’t let them fuck with Me.  And for The Fucking Almighty Spirit’s Sake, get over this God Shit!  Trust Me, sometimes things happen up here in the Universe that make no sense at all.  Why do you people always turn the Sub-Atomic Breaking Down Of The Energy Force Of Chaos into some kind of nitwit religious thing, or something you can try to make a buck on?  I thought when I created Neil Diamond you might have learned something.  Have a nice day.  If you don’t fuck it up.  And, as your Arnold guy says, I’ll be back.”

Peter Buknatski

(who learned all his science from Mr. Wizard in the 1950s)

Montpelier, Vt.