Now, Mister PeteySweety’s Neighborhood is something I’ve been doing on Facebook for a while. All this nostalgia for Mister Rogers, and remembering Eddie Murphey’s brilliant Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood on SNL. Mister PeteySweety can’t wait til late July and early August for the primary bullshit. Can you say, kiddies: BILL SORRELL SUCKS? I knew you could. But this one is about Agri-Mark shitting on Vermont (“…our friendly farmers in New York and New England” Fuckers!) Also, a little friendly fun with Michael Colby, who exposed Cabot a long time ago (1995) on BGH. Can you say: LIBERAL FUCKS? I knew you could.
MISTER PETEYSWEETY’S NEIGHBORHOOD
(With ‘special’ guests Larry, his brother Darryl, and his other brother Darryl to talk about their new line of Vermont Cheeses. And ‘special’ thanks to Mister Michael Colby, mentioned below, repeatedly, for helping and inspiring Mister PeteySweety in his pursuit of truth and justice for young kiddies up to age 10, and especially truth and justice for young kiddies with older sisters.)
Hi kiddies. I have something really special for you today because Mister PeteySweety’s got a special hair up his asshole today. It’s a special show. Because Mister PeteySweety thinks you’re special. And Mister PeteySweety wants you to write another special letter today after we’re done with our special guests. That’s right. It’s going to be Letter Day again. Yes. Can you say: AGRI-MARK IS A NAZI DOUCHE-BAG COMPANY THAT SHOULD PUT ‘WE FUCK VERMONT FARMERS’ AS A LABEL ON ALL ITS SHIT? That’s right. Mister PeteySweety is some wicked pissed, kiddies, about those mo’fuckers at Agri-Mark taking the Vermont logo off their Cabot Cheese products. Listen to this shit, kiddies. The dildo-dipshit-asshole fuckers say it’s because they’re complying with Vermont’s Truth In Labeling law, but Mister PeteySweety knows the real reason. Can you say that special word Mister PeteySweety taught you our first time together? That’s it–CONSPIRACY! I knew you’d remember, cause you know Mister PeteySweety really likes that word. And you kiddies should too. It covers a lot of bases. Like when your mommy and daddy tell you that you can’t get a handgun for Christmas, you say to them: “What the fuck kind of CONSPIRACY is this, fucking mommy and daddy? You’re violating my Second Amendment rights! I WANT THAT FUCKING GUN IN CASE THE NAZIS COME FOR ME!!! See. It’s that easy. You can do it.
So today, Mister PeteySweety says to Agri-Mark: “We don’t need your steeenking cheeses. Mister PeteySweety has some special friends who are making REAL Vermont Cheese.” Come on out here guys.”
“Hi, kiddies. I’m Larry. This is my brother, Darryl. And this is my other brother, Darryl. Mister PeteySweety brought us here so we could tell you about the new All Native Vermont and Specially Aged Cheeses we’ve been making out in the woods, and hope to sell across the country, since Cabot is no longer officially a Vermont Cheese. Hold up the first sample, Darryl.
Now this, kiddies, is our special Larry, Darryl & Darryl Aged In The Woods Vermont Cheddar. Made from pure Vermont milk from pure Vermont cows we milk ourselves when the farmer in question is sleeping off his drunk after finding out he’s even more in debt than he thought. We drive our truck all around Vermont. The cows have gotten to know us, and the way we feel and smell. Now, our cheese making process still has to be patented, but Mister PeteySweety here has graciously offered to get Mister Michael Colby of FOOD AND WATER to help us on that. And Mister PeteySweety says that Mister Michael Colby will change the name of his national not-for-profit farm advocacy organization to FOOD AND WATER AND LARRY, DARRYL & DARRYL. And change the name of its blogsite accordingly. And also change the name of his other blogsite, BROADSIDES and also the name of his other other blogsite, SNARKY BOY. So, Darryl, Darryl and I decided to dedicate this cheese to him. We’re re-naming it Aged In The Woods EXTRA SNARKY SHARP. It’s been out there under the trees for a while and I’ll tell you, kiddies, this is the cheese folks are going to talk about. Because not only will it make your home smell like Vermont, but Darryl says it gives your breath special aphrodisiastical powers. Darryl said he tried it in Downtown Barre last Saturday and all the women there fell all over him as he walked by.
Now, this other one we want to show you is…Darryl! Quit feeding the cheese to your pet fisher! Hold it up! Thank you.
This is our Special & Aged CURED ROADKILL AND NATIVE VERMONT CANNABIS MILD & MELLOW VERMONT CHEDDAR. We expect this one to be a big hit with the yuppies and twenty-something crowd and the candidates running for office this year. And we’re going to send some to President Obama and Michelle cause we think they need to eat more and stop worrying about becoming obese cause my other brother Darryl said he heard that Mitt Romney and his Party and all his rich friends like black people who are somewhat fat cause they can’t run so fast.
So, kiddies, tell your mommies and daddies and all your friends and teachers and the guys who drive the Casella’s trucks to look for LARRY, DARRYL & DARRYL AGED & AROMATIC NATIVE VERMONT CHEESES, coming soon to independent corner stores all across America, and to that other place, Washington D.C., too. Thank you, Mister PeteySweety for having us here today. And Darryl and Darryl each have a big burlap bag for you. One has our new FIDDLEHEAD CHEESE and the other one a big bundle of that other special stuff we grow in the woods that you like so much. We’re hoping, Mister PeteySweety, if you can get rid of that Mister Bill Sorrell and get somebody who will help make a special Vermont law, we can attach some of this other special stuff to our cheeses. Cause it really gives you the super munchies. Bye, kiddies. And my brother Darryl says bye, and my other brother Darryl says bye too.”
All right! Wasn’t that special, kiddies? Can you say LARRY, DARRYL & DARRYL AND MISTER MICHAEL COLBY ARE RIGHTEOUS FUCKING DUDES? I knew you could. Now, it’s Letter Time. I want you to get out the colored construction paper, but NOT the colored crayons. This letter has to be written in BLOOD. You’ve got a pet at home, right? Mister PeteySweety will wait while you kill it. And for you kiddies who don’t have a pet, you can use red crayon, or go get mommy’s red yuppie lipstick. But add a few drops of your own blood just to make it special. Use that very sharp kitchen knife. Yes. I knew you could do it. That didn’t hurt, did it? Oops…if you cut too deep, kiddies, use daddy’s Red Sox t-shirt for a compress. That’s good. You’re so smart. And so so good. Mister PeteySweety loves you so much. Are we having fun? Are we all ready to write? Good. Write this:
Dear Scumbags At Cabot Cheeses And Agri-Mark,
Just so you’ll know, I don’t want the Vermont logo on your shit anymore. Our teacher told us you put poison in your cheeses just like you put poison in the groundwater around Cabot and that little kiddies like me are disappearing all over the country after they eat your poisoned cheese because they walk around all poisoned-up and then Cabot Creamery or Agri-Mark trucks come and round them up for you to make them into cheese. And Mister Michael Colby visited my class and told us that the kiddies you don’t make into cheese you sell to Saudi Arabian Sheiks as sex slaves. That’s not very nice and I’m writing to President Obama on you. I’m also going to tell Ellen DeGeneres. So FUCK YOU Cabot Cheese and Agri-Mark! I’m going to get mommy and daddy to buy Larry, Darryl & Darryl Cheeses. Mommy and daddy will do what I tell them to do because Mister Michael Colby told me that if the word CONSPIRACY doesn’t work to just call mommy and daddy LIBERAL FUCKS and that will make them ashamed and they’ll feed all your poisoned cheese to rabid Republican dogs and cats and skunks. Good Fucking Luck without VERMONT on your shit. I guess now only the Frogs in France and the dumb Polacks will be eating your goddamn cheeses. That is until they all die from it. And FUCK YOUR WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS TOO! They’ll have to all get abortions now after eating your cheese and Mister Rush Limbaugh will call them all whores and sluts and prostitutes and that C word I hear daddy use sometimes when he’s talking on the phone to the people from Mitt Romney’s headquarters.
Drop DEAD AND DIE SLOW!
Joey or Suzy, little kiddie
There. That was soooo good! Wasn’t this a good day, kiddies, my little special friends? Yes, it was. Mister PeteySweety has to go now, but he’ll be back tomorrow, because…
…Tomorrow, tomorrow
Mister PeteySweety can’t wait
For tomorrow
Cause it will be a new day
And he’ll have something new to say
About NAZIS and CONSPIRACIES and YOU
Bye, kiddies. God Bless You! And God Bless Mister PeteySweety and Mister Michael Colby and Larry and his brother Darryl and his other brother Darryl! Hey that reminds me, kiddies. Where’s that sack? Oh, there. Good. Wow, look at all those big buds, kiddies. And this smells like primo shit too. Well, Mister PeteySweety has his work cut out for him, doesn’t he? AAaaahh…urrrrRRRRmmmmm…’cough’…whew. Bastard…’cough’…you know, kiddies, Junior over at Charlie Os is going to think Mister PeteySweety’s been cheating on her at another bar when he comes in there all zoned-out today. Ah, what the Hell…uUUUrrrRRRRRRRMMMmmmmmm…phewww …’cough, cough’…whewwww…aaaahhhh…yes.
Oh, it’s a beau-ti-ful day in this neighborhood, a beau-ti-ful day to light up a jay, and it’s all mine, yes it’s all mine. It’s a neighborly day to sit on a bench, and look at the ladies and make them all tense, when I say WOULD YOU BE MINE? COULD YOU BE MINE? ‘Ere…errrhhmmmoooff …whew…I have always wanted to have a lady just like you, I’ve always wanted to live with a lady who has a good job and gives me money too, so…rrrhhhmmmMMMMmmmmm…aahhhh…let’s make the most of this beautiful day, you take me to Charlie Os and to Junior you’ll say: “Give him a scotch, give Mister PeteySweety a scotch, and make sure you make it a double.”
Yes, kiddies. Mister PeteySweety’s really ripped. Can you say SHOTGUN IT, MISTER PETEYSWEETY? I knew you could.
Peter Buknatski
Montpelier, Vt.