(The following is my little politically incorrect way of paying tribute to what Obama has seemed to have accomplished. It seems very ‘quiet’ out there in Anti-Gayland. And J. C. Penney is doing a Gay Father’s Day ad. It looks like the assholes are on the run, or, at least, in the closet. Let us hope that many, if not all, the things I mention below actually happen. This country, and the world, would be a healthier place. But watch out for co-opting and hypocrisy. It’s Wall Street’s little way of making a quick buck, diluting real politics into carnival, and then flushing it all down Capitalism’s toilet, which the EPA does not regulate.)
BREAKING NEWS…Gays Are IN…Reuters…3.17 seconds ago
Since Barack Obama finally came out of the closet to support Gay Marriage, a new trend seems to be emerging almost reminiscent of the commercialization and exploitation of the Hippie/Music/Drug culture and the Feminist Movement of the late sixties and early seventies. It seems apparent now that Gays are IN. And major corporations and the institution of Pro Football, no less, are jumping all over the place to cash in on this new American culture.
Walmart recently announced it will be adding a Gay Section to most of its stores nationwide, featuring clothing, tattooing, piercing, and other items that will be called Gay Chic.
Not to be outdone by Walmart, J.C. Penney has announced it will be coming out with its own line of Gay Fashions in its Fall catalogue, along with Gay Home Furnishings, and Gay Toys for kiddies.
Along with Gay Bars, across the country now, Gay Stores are springing up everywhere. There are Gay Craft Stores, Gay Music Stores and Bookstores, Gay Foods Stores, Gay Pets Stores, Gay Corner Stores, and Retro-Gay Stores. And also a new chain of stores opening called the WannaBeGay Store, whose flagship store will open in Montpelier, Vt. this Winter. Also In Montpelier, Vt. (which is now considered to be the Gay Capital of the USA), it is rumored that an upscale downtown cafe will be brewing its own micro GayBrew draft on site, eventually to bottle it for sale across the country. And a coalition of Montpelier female artists and writers will be copycatting Montpelier’s New England Culinary Institute (NECI) with what they will call NELI, the New England Lesbian Institute, in which Gay Culture and something called Gay Channeling will be taught along with other college level (Gay) courses. It is also rumored that NELI will offer courses to ‘straight’ people, such as Gay Speak, Gay Manners & Etiquette, Gay Walking, Gay Drinking and Gay Driving.
And the worlds of science and the environment have now recognized the impact of what President Obama has put in motion. Sources tell us a study group of ecologists at MIT will soon be coming out with a paper that will examine what it calls Gay Sprawl as a solution to Global Warming. The paper supposedly alleges that Gays have the lowest carbon footprints on the planet, and in some cases, negative carbon footprints. And that Gayness itself may emit some certain yet unidentified element into the atmosphere that can restore the Ozone Layer.
Meanwhile, in Idaho, an anthropological–environmental group will soon be releasing a report in which, it is said, Sasquatch (Bigfoot) is identified as an eons old species of Alien Gay Humanoids from a far away galaxy which colonized Earth after the extinction of the dinosaurs, and which possibly mated with prehistoric mankind here. According to those reliable sources of ours, the report states that, with Gayness now sweeping the nation and perhaps the whole planet, Sasquatches, which have lived in fear of prejudices towards Gays, will now be coming out of the panoply to intermingle with humans, and that many of these Sasquatches will be moving to Vermont to form, what our sources again tell us, a Third Gay Vermont Republic. (See Smithsonian Magazine, Feb., 2006, for info on First and Second Gay Vermont Republics.)
There has been some backlash, however, to all this surge of Gayness from a group of straight single men called the Right Hand Coalition, based in Passaic, New Jersey. This group is now demanding that their very own civil union partners be recognized and given the same status and health benefits Gays in civil unions and marriages are receiving. Abel Peckerpaw, the group’s spokesman, put it this way: “My right hand here has been a partner to me all my life. It’s never let me down. Never cheated on me. Never left me. Never had a headache or a period. It’s my Civil Partner, as the Gays say, and I and my group demand our rights!” Peckerpaw also said that another men’s group called the Left Hand Coalition will soon be making the same demands, and that heavily endowed males will be forming their own ‘activist’ group called the Both Hands Coalition.
Also, a militant Gay group called The Social Anarchists For Revolutionary Fruitcake Party has put out this statement: “We caution true Gay Americans to beware of the co-opting of Gayness by Wall Street. Remember the Hippie Movement, the Women’s Movement, and, God help us, the Jesus Freak Movement. There seems to be a lot of hypocrisy and out-and-out jaded commercialism going on here. Black people, women, Hispanics and workers are still oppressed by this co-opting weapon, although we are told this is not the case. That is a lie. And the powers that be have made it politically incorrect to say so out loud. I warn Gay Americans to watch out for all this commercial embrace of the Gay Movement. Wall Street tends to go for immediate profit at the expense of everything and everybody, and then move on to make money on the next trend it helps to create. How would you like it if, say, in two years, Wall Street asked for a Gay Bail-Out? What would happen to us? Perhaps that’s the point of all this?
But it seems nothing will stop the trend towards All Things Gay in this country. And there are reports leaking out of China that Gays will soon be gathering in Tiananmen Square, and that ‘top secret meetings’ between Gays in Gaza and Gays in Israel’s Mossad may soon lead to an end of conflict there and the establishment of an independent Gay Palestinian State, the world’s first Gay Nation.
Meanwhile, back here at home, those old reliable sources (who are also Gay) tell us that McDonald’s will soon come out with the McDude and the McLesie, two Gayburgers. Also, that the NFL will meet Gays halfway by having Arni DiFranco do the 2013 Super Bowl Halftime. That Mitt Romney will pick a Gay VP, and that Joe Biden will respond by turning Gay. That President Obama will declare Oct. 11th, National Gay Day, replacing Columbus Day to placate GAIM, the Gay American Indian Movement. That Neil Diamond will put out a CD in November called: “Have A Gay Christmas.” And that, also in November, in Montpelier, Vt., a certain man-about-town there named PeteySweety will be renaming his famous Twelve Days Of My Birthday to the Twelve Gays Of My Birthday, in honor of some of the Montpelier women he’s been attracted to over the years who were, of course, all Gay, or turned Gay after Petey bought them flowers.
All in all, Mr. and Mrs. All-American Americans, 2012 is going to be quite a year for Gayness. And don’t forget about Venus. Things like that are just too coincidental to ignore.
Gay Night and Gay Luck.
Peter Buknatski
Montpelier, Vt.