Breaking News…The White House…30 nanoseconds ago



OBAMA TO ENDORSE ORAL SEX BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS; WILL DEFINE ORAL SEX AS ‘REAL’ SEX, BUT NOT ‘REGULAR’ SEX

White House Assistant Press Secretary Bruce Lesbian said this afternoon that President Obama approves of consenting adults engaging in Oral Sex.  Oral Sex has been a controversial issue for Democrats since the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, which resulted in the election of George W. Bush in 2000, and led to an eight year ‘don’t ask/don’t tell’ national Anal Sex epidemic.

Lesbian said the President will address the nation at 10p Sunday night about Oral Sex.  He stated that the President  will define Oral Sex as Real Sex, a position President Clinton refused to take in 2000.  Lesbian added, however, that Obama would not be defining Oral Sex as Regular Sex, and will urge adult Americans to continue to caution their teenage children on how Oral Sex can lead to more serious and addictive sex acts which can lead to more unwanted pregnancies which can lead to more abortions which can lead to a problematic position for the President this election year.

“Right now,”  said Lesbian,  “we know that American teenagers are engaging in Oral Sex.  A lot of Oral Sex.  And we have heard from the Republican Party that this is because President Clinton made teenagers believe it was cool to have Oral Sex.  Of course, this is ridiculous.  Teenagers are having Oral Sex because they do not believe it is a real or serious sex act requiring birth control protection which, we all know, the radical elements of the Republican Party and the anti-abortion and anti birth control groups have made teenagers believe will not be available to them, and therefore they have no other recourse but to engage in Oral Sex as frequently as possible, because Oral Sex is not really Real Sex.  But since the President will be defining Oral Sex as Real Sex, Republicans might ask themselves whether their positions in forcing Oral Sex upon the youth of America are, in the very least, somewhat questionable positions to take.  I mean, people are in prisons right now for doing that.”

When asked to clarify his last statement on Oral Sex and Real Sex, and why Oral Sex wasn’t Regular Sex, and whether it was bad or good and who should go to prison for what, Lesbian explained:  “Look, we’re going to talk openly and deeply about the issue of Oral Sex, and take a responsible yet penetrating position with regards to it.  We hope the Republicans will do the same, rather than make Oral Sex an election year issue, which will only add to the confusion and awkwardness teenagers experience when they are offered an occasion to say yes or no to Oral Sex.  And we’re having this Presidential address on Oral Sex at 10pm in hopes that eight to twelve year-olds and, hopefully, thirteen to fifteen year-olds are in bed already, because it is a school night.  And we believe our children should respect school for their educational goals first, rather than consider school just another venue for Oral Sex.  Again, let me state, the President will be speaking about the need to recognize Oral Sex as Real Sex, but not necessarily Regular Sex.  And he knows that each and every adult American watching or listening to Oral Sex…I mean watching or listening Sunday night will know what he is talking about, because we believe many many Americans have sampled their share of Oral Sex over the decades, as far back as the Civil War, we believe.  Oral Sex is now an American Fact Of Life.  Oral Sex is as much a part of the American landscape as baseball, football and the hot dog.  Oral Sex must be recognized as part of American Exceptionalism.  And the President means to see to it that the misconceptions and discomforts Americans have about discussing Oral Sex openly and repeatedly in their day to day lives does not lead to a situation in this country, the greatest country on the face of the Earth, where, soon, some  extremists will be able to put forward the idea of a War On Oral Sex.  We have other wars to address.”

When a Reuters reporter suggested Lesbian had substituted clarification of his last statement with an even more confusing statement, Lesbian replied:  “This is why the President will be addressing the nation Sunday night. To show us his position on Oral Sex.  All of us approach Oral Sex from different positions, but the President hopes to make his Oral Sex position the National Oral Sex position.

The FOX TV news correspondent asked Lesbian if, perhaps, a Presidential address on Oral Sex might be in bad taste.  Lesbian responded that it was his feeling that Oral Sex was not a question of taste but, rather, a question of choice, and that the framers of the Constitution had Oral Sex on their minds, as did Thomas Jefferson when he wrote the Declaration Of Independence.  “Oral Sex is an unalienable right.  It is how many Americans pursue happiness,” he added.

Finally, Lesbian was asked whether President and Michelle Obama engaged in Oral Sex in the White House, and if they used the same places President Clinton used to have Oral Sex there.

“That, I believe,”  said Lesbian, “is a matter of National Security.  It is up to the President to reveal that information if he feels it is in the National Interest.  But, I can tell you this–the First Lady plans to incorporate Oral Sex with her campaign about the eating habits of obese Americans.  

Now, I thank you all for your time, and urge all Americans to tune in Sunday night for a frank tip to toe go-over on a position that all of us should feel requires our focus and participation.

Thank you.”

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

(Hey Obama–Have a Gay Marriage on the White House Lawn.  Dare ya.)