Cardinal Joseph Bendover in Rome has told our correspondent there that Pope Benedict will be endorsing Mitt Romney for President and urging all American Catholics to “Get with the program.”

Cardinal Bendover added that the Vatican will also be endorsing the Republicans’ WAR ON WOMEN, though not by that name, and that these endorsements are in line with a new Papal Encyclical that will define the Catholic Church’s new approach on the teachings of Jesus.

Cardinal Bendover explained:  “One of the most important and dramatic things Jesus did was to cleanse Mary Magdalene of her Seven Devils.  The same Seven Devils that seem to afflict American women today: The Devil Of Lust and Promiscuity and Perversion, The Devil Of Provocative Dress, The Devil Of Original Thought, The Devil Of Forsaking One’s Proper Station, The Devil Of Coveting A Safe Haven From The Opposite Sex, which the Church defines as Lesbianism, The Devil Of Not Wanting To Bear Children, and, of course, The Devil Of Eating Meat On A Friday.  This last Devil has traditionally been the province of men only, as many in our priesthood will confirm.

“We here at the Vatican,”  Cardinal Bendover continued,  “will seek now to teach good Catholic women, and all women, the simple fact that Jesus was a MAN.  A Man who was nailed to a cross so that, by his sacrifice, all other men throughout the ages will not suffer such a fate.  Especially at the hands of women possessed by The Seven Devils.  A state of affairs now exists in America where many misguided men have actually been nailed to crosses by women and willfully seek to have this crucifixion performed on them again.  That is a perversion and part of The First of The Seven Devils I mentioned.  The new Vatican intervention, recently announced, on some Seven Devils’ activities being practiced by many American nuns is the beginning of this campaign for the Salvation Of Women.”

Cardinal Bendover went on to say that the Catholic Church hopes to work closely with a President Romney in bringing all American women back to Jesus.  “A Salvation Of Women,”  he put it, rather than A War On Women.  And also to encourage those women, once they have abandoned “the evils of birth control,” to marry and bear sons and daughters for the Catholic Church.  “We hope for more sons at first, of course,”  he stated.  “That has always been Church policy.”

When asked why the Catholic Church was endorsing a Mormon, Cardinal Bendover responded that the Mormon Church and the Catholic Church had two historical things in common:  “First is that the Mormons knew what a woman’s Proper Station was, which produced the second thing, which is the bearing of many babies, especially cute little male babies.  And I would say to all young males out there in America, whether Mormon, Catholic, Protestant,  Hebrew, or whatever, that there is a place for you in the Catholic Church, where you will never have to fear being nailed by a woman again.  Thank you.  And God Bless You.  And God Bless The USA.  And the New Orleans Saints.”  

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

(very very ex-Catholic)