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GMD has learned that one of the hidden provisions of the state’s new healthcare law, strongly backed by Governor Peter Shumlin, would require grocery store cashiers to remove all sugar-sweetened beverages in any person’s order and substitute an equal dollar amount of broccoli.

“They can carry it on their shelves,” Governor Shumlin declared, referring to sugar-sweetened beverages, “but we’re not going to let people get diabetes and cost the taxpayers money for sugar- and obesity-based diseases. That just burdens our system and wastes healthcare dollars. Let ’em eat broccoli!”

The governor’s stance was closely aligned with President Obama’s healthcare plan provisions, although the checkout substitution for soda pop and other sugar-sweetened beverages is a uniquely Vermont twist. The Governor’s spokesman, Secretary of Administration Jeb Spaulding, refused comment on rumors that the original proposal specified kale instead of broccoli. Broccoli was accepted, knowledgeable insiders said, as long as kale was the back-up vegetable in the absence of broccoli of sufficient quality.

A legislative tussle behind closed doors before the bill gained committee approval featured Attorney General William ‘Wild Bill’ Sorrell throwing what observers called “a tantrum” because his favorite vegetable, Brussels sprouts, was not the required ‘green’ substitute.

Sorrell, facing a Democratic primary, refused to acknowledge the broccoli-Brussels sprouts split in the ranks. “I still have serious Democratic support,” he maintained, “Governor Dean still likes me! Or at least, he still feels like he owes my dear departed mother for his political career. Thanks, Mom.”

The incumbent attorney general also claimed that the substitution of an equal dollar amount of a vegetable was his idea. “It’s even better than a tax, there’s no oppression of the poor here, and it doesn’t cost more money to make them eat green,” he explained. “It’s the best idea I’ve had in decades! But it really should’ve been Brussels sprouts.”

No one is discussing the possibility of lawsuits by soda-industry giants Pepsi and CocaCola and large-scale purveyors of what is popularly known as “junk food,” such as Walmart.

Nor has there been any response to questions regarding what unintended effect this provision might have on the market price of broccoli, or whether the green vegetable closely associated in popular culture with apparent melanin-overriding growth hormones, resulting in a change of skin color and giantism, would be conventionally grown or organically raised.

GMD has learned that one of the hidden provisions of the state’s new healthcare law, strongly backed by Governor Peter Shumlin, would require grocery store cashiers to remove all sugar-sweetened beverages in any person’s order and substitute an equal dollar amount of broccoli.

“They can carry it on their shelves,” Governor Shumlin declared, referring to sugar-sweetened beverages, “but we’re not going to let people get diabetes and cost the taxpayers money for sugar- and obesity-based diseases. That just burdens our system and wastes healthcare dollars. Let ’em eat broccoli!”

The governor’s stance was closely aligned with President Obama’s healthcare plan provisions, although the checkout substitution for soda pop and other sugar-sweetened beverages is a uniquely Vermont twist. The Governor’s spokesman, Secretary of Administration Jeb Spaulding, refused comment on rumors that the original proposal specified kale instead of broccoli. Broccoli was accepted, knowledgeable insiders said, as long as kale was the back-up vegetable in the absence of broccoli of sufficient quality.

A legislative tussle behind closed doors before the bill gained committee approval featured Attorney General William ‘Wild Bill’ Sorrell throwing what observers called “a tantrum” because his favorite vegetable, Brussels sprouts, was not the required ‘green’ substitute.

Sorrell, facing a Democratic primary, refused to acknowledge the broccoli-Brussels sprouts split in the ranks. “I still have serious Democratic support,” he maintained, “Governor Dean still likes me! Or at least, he still feels like he owes my dear departed mother for his political career. Thanks, Mom.”

The incumbent attorney general also claimed that the substitution of an equal dollar amount of a vegetable was his idea. “It’s even better than a tax, there’s no oppression of the poor here, and it doesn’t cost more money to make them eat green,” he explained. “It’s the best idea I’ve had in decades! But it really should’ve been Brussels sprouts.”

No one is discussing the possibility of lawsuits by soda-industry giants Pepsi and CocaCola and large-scale purveyors of what is popularly known as “junk food,” such as Walmart.

Nor has there been any response to questions regarding what unintended effect this provision might have on the market price of broccoli, or whether the green vegetable closely associated in popular culture with apparent melanin-overriding growth hormones, resulting in a change of skin color and giantism, would be conventionally grown or organically raised.