State Senator Randy Brock, his bid for Governor saddled by a stillborn web presence, a low-budget campaign staffed by part-timers and consultants, and a state Republican party with embarrassingly empty coffers, held a news conference today to announce a new series of fundraising efforts aimed at injecting new life into an effort that some observers are already writing off.

“Better get on the stick, I guess,” Brock sighed, gazing out at a gathering of three reporters and a couple of dozen empty chairs. He cleared his throat and straightened his back. “Er, I mean, it’s time to take my campaign to the next level.

“So today I’m announcing a series of new fundraising initiatives to try to match the abundant resources — coughGeorgeSoros*cough* — that Governor Shumlin will do almost anything — coughDavidBlittersdorf*cough* — to put together.”

After the jump, high finance… deposit bottles, sofa cushions, and more.  

Brock’s first effort, he said, will be called “Bottles for Brock.” A group of volunteer Young Republicans will be sent out on Sunday mornings to scour the dumpsters of Burlington for deposit bottles. “At a nickel a pop,” he said, “I expect we’ll be able to clear several hundred dollars between now and the end of classes at UVM. Plus, we’ll be doing our part to make Vermont greener, highlighting my dedication to environmental issues.”

Then, Brock handed out paper copies of a mass e-mailing to supporters, seeking their participation in a “Plasma Drive,” in which they will “fuel the campaign’s leap to hyperspace” by selling their plasma at for-profit blood banks.  

Brock also unveiled a special initiative aimed at the more affluent Republicans in the state, asking them to check their sofa cushions for funds to donate. “Some of those folks probably have C-notes stuck in the cushions,” noted Brock. “They seem to be having trouble locating their checkbooks these days, so maybe they’ve lost some cash in their plush, overstuffed furniture.”  

And finally, he released a schedule of personal appearances at some of Vermont’s busiest intersections, where he will get to interact with average voters — and ask for spare change. He brandished a handmade cardboard sign and a squeegee and declared, “As I said on my campaign website, I take this candidacy seriously. So seriously that I am willing to do everything I can to take my message directly to the people.

“And, hopefully, raise a few bucks in the bargain.”

When asked about the day’s political surprise — the entry of Howard Dean into the race for Governor, Brock’s face went blank. “What?” he said. He was then swiftly ushered out of the room by campaign advisers Darcie Johnston and Mark Snelling.