Now listen-up, class.  We’ve got a special guest lecturer today–Donald Trump.  He’s going to talk on what we’ve been studying here in Philosophy 310-How To Turn Nothingness Into Capital.

Mr. Trump is familiar with all the great philosophers.  I believe he said his favorite one was Joe The Plumber, whom we covered, I believe thoroughly, last semester.  Mr. Trump will help you all get the right overview on what’s expected of you after you graduate; those of you not going on to graduate work in Advanced Capitalism.

I would like to say now that I think the work we’ve done so far in this course has helped our ONE NATION UNDER CAPITALISM take another step forward in becoming the first nation on this planet to realize the formula for Turning Nothingness Into Capital.  Philosophers, scientists, artists, and those Great Thinkers In The Private Sector have been working on this formula for decades.  You students here are part of something even bigger than The Manhattan Project.  The Nobel Prize In Capitalism has already been awarded to several universities, and I think we here today stand a good chance of joining that select group involved in the Academics Of Capital.

I’ve gone over the ads you’ve produced around the works of Nietzsche, Ayn Rand, and the Great Nihilists and Futurists.  Outstanding work!  This is why we call it Higher Education.

Now, before I bring in Mr. Trump, I would like to caution you on the questions you put to him after his lecture.  Some of you have been very witty on occasion, as university students are prone to be.  But, let me emphasize that this is The Serious World here today.  We don’t want to give Mr. Trump any impression that we’re taking our Higher Education in a frivolous sixties-type manner.  And I also want to remind you that Mr. Trump has the authority to respond to any untoward remark with the words: You’re Fired!  Which, in your case would mean: You’re Expelled!  Keep that in mind.  The mind is a wonderful place to store the Rules Of Academic Capitalism as a preventative from allowing silly thoughts in that will waste Capitalism’s time.

And now, I am pleased and humbled to present our Special Guest!  Students, The Donald Of Trump–Mr. Donald Trump!!!

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

(This is why they want us to watch FOX News.)