“My fellow Vermonters, today I am announcing my plan to run for the U.S. Senate in 2012.  Yeah.  This will be fun.  We all know Bernie Sanders will get re-elected.  That’s a given.  But if I make a strong second-place showing, well, that would be cool.  

I mean, I’m the State Monster; an underwater creature who eats salmon as part of my diet.  Yumm.  So, please write me in next November.  I will not be doing a petition to get my name on the ballot.  I feel a second-place write-in finish for me will be much more of a statement by the voters.

Think of the headline on Nov 7: ‘Champ Eats Salmon’ and give me your support in the spirit, well, of Silliness, I guess.  If Salmon actually thinks Vermonters would make him a U.S. Senator (silly) after all that’s on his record, this would be a good way of saying to him: “Come on, man.  You can’t be serious.  Are you on drugs?”

Now, by that I don’t mean to say that Mr. Salmon has any problem with controlled substances. Quite the contrary.  Can you imagine him on drugs?  Scary.  I think his problem is more of a neurological one.  One I’m sure he’ll get treatment for after the returns come in next November.  See, if you write me in, you’ll also be helping Salmon too.  Then, after his long recuperation, he’ll be back in 2016 ready to be a serious candidate against Pat Leahy–or, I mean, at least against Peter Diamondstone.

So, that’s all I have to say.  The decision is yours.  I’m sure when you get in the voting booth next November and see on the ballot for U.S. Senator: Thomas Salmon, you’ll know what to do.  Try not to still be laughing too hard when you put my name down.  You might make it illegible from all that convulsing, and then Salmon will ask for a recount.

Thank you all for your upcoming support.  See you on the Lake.”

CHAMP

Lake Champlain, Vt.

2/18/11