Very Important Board Meeting Many Light Years Away

The Almighty Spirit flits from star to star surrounded by the Chief Spirits and Their subsidiary Gods of the solar systems.

“So.  Where is the little asshole?” The Almighty Spirit snarls.

“He’s coming,” says Chief Spirit 112X.  “Said He’d be a bit late.  Something about Egypt.”

“Yeah,” says The Almighty Spirit.  “He’s not in control down there.  Hasn’t been since mankind oozed out of the slime.  Dildo dipshit asshole!  I should have vaporized Him and that whole fucking solar system way back.  Shit.  This is what I get for giving Him another chance after He fucked-up the development of the Altair galaxy.  I demote the shithead to a mere God and give Him one simple solar system to develop intelligently, and now the whole Milky Way is threatened.  What a piece of shit!”

Here He comes,” says Chief Spirit 14X.

Hi Everybody,” says Earth God.

“Yourself,” says The Almighty Spirit.  “And just what is it You’re calling Yourself these days?  Yahweh?  Vishnu?  The Holy Ghost?  Fuckwad?  What?!”

“Well, considering turns of events on Earth, I’ve kind of taken of fancy to Allah.”

“Whatever,” sneers The Almighty Spirit.  “Listen, I demoted You to a God and gave You one simple task.  One solar system with one planet hosting supposedly intelligent beings who would some day join with all Our other beings in this Universe in The Almighty Fulfillment of My Almighty Purpose.  We’ve been waiting.  What’s all this war shit, and what’s this crap about you being the one and only true God?  How is it Your beings have such arrested development?  I’ve got plans for the Universe, and they included Earth’s participation.  Now I’m thinking of vaporizing the whole bloody system.  You along with it.  Explain to Me why I shouldn’t.”

“Well, jeez, Almighty One,” says Earth God, “I’ve been doing My best.  They’re actually talking about a manned trip to Mars.”

“When?  Kubrick did all that in ’68.  I saw the movie.  And You don’t get it.  I don’t want them going anywhere til they cut out all that war shit and start acting like they have half a pea-brain.  Stop all that capitalism crap that uses science and technology to produce junk gadgets and pollution and disease and mental and economic stupidity.  And, of course, wars.  Do you think I’m going to let those assholes of Yours come up here and fuck-up the Universal Neighborhood?  

“We’ve got a good thing going up here.  Shit.  I’m not going to let regular fucking human trash come up here and start building malls and golf courses.  And driving around in fucking cars!  You’re on Your third strike–yeah, and ballparks too–You get that planet in order PDQ!  I want to see results before another Earth year passes.  Do Fucking Something!  You’ve been sitting on Your fat ass letting those dildo dipshits worship You while they run amuck.  No wonder they like You.  You let them get away with everything!  If I weren’t Almighty Tolerant, I’d bust You up right here and now and scatter Your worthless Godness to the ends of My Expanding Creation.  Now…”

“Okay, okay,” says Earth God.  “I’ll get right on it.  Jeez.  You know, I’ve got a lot riding on that Obama guy.  He’s…”

“WHAT?!  That Asshole?!  Listen, You little douche-bag, I want You to find some leader down there who will put a stop to all the nonsense.  Somebody that, You know, will DO SOMETHING!  I Myself always liked that Jack Kennedy.  You fucked that up too, didn’t You?  And what about that Sean Penn guy?  Did that movie with Eastwood, Mystic River.  Pay attention to what’s going on.  This is Your last warning!  Now get back down there and let’s see You produce.  I’m not going to subsidize any more of this dumb-ass fuckwad loser crap.  Not in My Universe, asswipe!”

Earth God departs.  Chief Spirit 467981X speaks:  “You know, Almighty One, I don’t think He’s really going to be able to turn things around in one Earth year.  We ought to just bail on the system right now.”

“Shit, I know,” says The Almighty Spirit.  “But let’s just see how bad He fucks things up this Earth year.  Maybe We won’t have to do anything.  He’ll let them do it to themselves.  What a God.  Jesus Fucking Christ!  Lowlife little turd.  Goddamn pre-vert too, the way He’s done things.  He really got off on that being nailed to a cross shit.  I should have ended it right there.”

“Well,” says Chief Spirit 927629021834109X, “one thing about You, Almighty One, You don’t micro-manage.”

“Shit,” says The Almighty Spirit.  He’ll probably get some dildo dipshit assholes like the fucking Rodriguez brothers running the planet next.  Goddamn, I loved that movie.  At least He didn’t fuck that up.  Shit.  Let’s go get something to drink and then go do some Creating.”

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt