(dedicated to Leftfield)

upyourassnews.org…seconds ago

Robert Gibbs’ move to cut short President and First Lady Obama’s trip to India and fly by particle beam to Guantanamo Bay seems to have been a stroke of genius in an otherwise seemingly braindead administration.

While the President met with American officials and troops, Michelle Obama wooed the detainees there with her skillful rendering of the Waterboard Dance, made popular by detainees under the Bush administration.  The First Lady seemed like “a natural at it,” said one detainee.

“Man, she got the moves. I had to say wait, I’m all in, Michelle.  I just want to sit down and talk now.  She gave me a hug.  Said she try to find out about my missing fingers.”

It is also rumored that an ailing Fidel Castro will join President Obama at the electrified and mined barrier separating Gitmo from the rest of Cuba for a quick game of volleyball later in the day, after Obama signs a few death warrants as a personal show of goodwill to the new Republican House.

Gibbs meanwhile met with 8 Cuban reporters to say:  “The President wants to discuss outsourcing a shitload of jobs to the detainees down here.  And maybe to the Cuban people themselves, if you Commie bastards can work cheaper than the Indians.  You’re Commies, right?  Don’t piss me off with questions.  We can go elsewhere.  Somalians can dance too.  If they can’t, we’ll teach ’em how.”

It was reported that one detainee was so overwhelmed by the Waterboard Dance and hug he received from the First Lady, that he died of heart failure, while another detainee was so moved, he gave her a map pinpointing Osama bin-Laden’s second home in Vermont.

When asked about this, the First Lady, rather than actually say anything, observed:  “Well, you know all the people need is some hands-on feel-good booty.  And booty comes in many forms.  A small nuclear bomb is booty.  My husband acting like the weakest President since James Buchanan is booty too.  I love these wonderful detainees here.  Even though they don’t have very much fashion sense, they sure know how to show enthusiasm.  I can still hear them screaming my name.  Excuse me, I’ve got some toes here I need to throw over the fence.”

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.