Press release, 23 minutes ago, VIRGINS R US PARTY

I’m running for this office as a candidate of the Virgins R Us Party.

We represent millions of American Virgins, and those Virgins still unborn.

Sex is the cause of Wars, Economic Collapse, Injustice, Stupidity and Insanity.

Think about it:  While you’re having Sex, the enemies of our Republic are Watching You.

As America grows Weaker, even Spent, the enemies of our Republic Penetrate our very Essence Of Being.

We of the Virgins R Us Party will soon be taking to the streets of America with our message: “ABSTAIN FOR CHANGE!”

We invite all Americans to join us.  You don’t have to be an actual Virgin, but YOU CAN BECOME ONE!

Our movement is gaining Strength, while the Democrats, Republicans, and Tea Party continue to Fuck with each other.

All this Fucking has to STOP!  The fate of the very Planet is at stake.

We will shortly be having a March And Rally in our Republic’s Capital.  The time will be announced on FOX NEWS.

In the meantime, we want Americans to pause for a moment in Feeling Themselves Up to take note of the growing number of T-Shirts, Buttons, and Caps with the “SEX–Just Say No!” logo.  And while you’re at it–and we don’t mean with your fingers–observe the “HONK IF YOU’RE A VIRGIN” bumper stickers now appearing on American Made Cars throughout the Republic.

It’s NOT Socialism— It’s SEX!  Think of the Children!  They are the only Children We Will Have Left, GOD Willing.

Thank you for your time.  I hope this message has caused many of you to refrain from SEXUAL ACTS for a moment.  It’s Really NOT That Hard.

Mort Wetdreem

Chairman, VIRGINS R US PARTY

Dover, Delaware

Peter Buknatski

Montpelier, Vt.

(What doya suppose they’ll come up with next?)