This just in…An excerpt from the speech Glenn Beck will deliver tomorrow in DC…Obtained through a spam e-mail from the Bank of Nigeria:
“…and yes, restoring honor means exposing the Conspiracies this nation has been in the grips of since Eugene Debs brought the Red and Godless message to America…for instance, I know and you know that that great liberal baseball player, Joe DiMaggio, was behind the JFK assassination, because of Marilyn Monroe, who was killed by Elvis because she was responsible for the death of Clark Gable, with whom Elvis wanted to make a movie…a movie in which Gable would play FDR, who was actually poisoned by that great and unsung American patriot, Edward Teller, played by Elvis, because Teller knew FDR was going to give our A-Bomb secrets to Stalin, in return for Stalin’s work on persuading Japan to bomb Pearl Harbor, thus allowing the USA to go to war with Hitler, who was a vegetarian and anti-smoker, before Hitler turned the whole world into one big Vegetarian Commune, where the good things in life, like smoking, drinking and nuclear weapons, would be outlawed…I found information on this Vegetarian Conspiracy on a 1967 album by Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention called “Absolutely Free”–by playing the cut “Call Any Vegetable” backwards…this is why Bill and Hillary Clinton had Zappa killed in ’93, before he could put out a song about the assassination of Vince Foster…just look at the Blagojevich trial in Illinois…I know about his part in all this too…and now they want to build a mosque in Miami Beach, thereby forcing the Tampa Bay Devil Rays to relocate to Des Moines, Iowa, where they will all be wiped in a massive tornado brought about by God’s wrath over Gay Marriage, Abortion, and Socialism, thus giving the New York Yankees the American League East, which brings us back to Joe DiMaggio…” Etc.
Now, do you suppose they can say anything stupider than this tomorrow? We shall see. A Conspiracy Of Nitwits. Scary stuff.
Peter Buknatski
Montpelier, Vt.