There’s been a lot of hand-wringing over the Supreme Court’s decision to blow the lid off corporate campaign contributions and overwrite a century’s worth of legal doctrine on the issue. The decision, of course, is predicated on the notion of “corporate personhood” – the idea that corporations are entitled to the same rights as so-called “natural” persons. In this case, the Court decided that this was a matter of protecting corporate-persons’ (I like to call them “corporate-Americans”) right to free speech, given that speech is money (which should explain to those that know me why I choose to talk so much).

But I, for one, am delighted by the decision. I believe it’s long overdue. Corporate-persons have long faced discrimination, and I am sick to death of seeing any kind of person singled out for any sort of discrimination in our society.

In fact, I hope the Supreme Court doesn’t just stop with speech, as there is clearly so much more to be done to fully guarantee corporate-persons the rights to “life liberty and the pursuit of happiness” that their fellow persons enjoy under our beloved Constitution. Here are just a few of the more egregious ways our society has institutionalized its bigotry against this singularly downtrodden class of person:

• Marriage equality and the right to a family! Nowhere are corporate-persons more discriminated against than in these areas, so fundamental as they are to what makes us all persons. If I went down to the courthouse to fill out a marriage license for myself and RiteAid, I wouldn’t just be denied, I would likely be mocked. It’s time to end the discrimination, as all persons should be equal in the eyes of the law. Not only should I be able to wed the person of my choice, we should be able to adopt, since it’s likely that RiteAid and I won’t be able to naturally conceive. Perhaps we might choose to start our family with the adoption of an abandoned inner city infant. Perhaps we’d adopt a small chain of convenience stores as well (I’ve already picked out names!)
• Justice for the brutally murdered! Made vulnerable by the ailing economy, corporate-person Circuit City was tragically killed just last year – in part due to the intentional actions of other persons such as Best Buy and WalMart. And yet, neither have been brought to answer for this murder before a criminal court. Justice for all persons (and for god’s sake, let’s have the trial in Texas so we can give WalMart the Chair!)!
• Suffrage! Why is an entire class of persons disenfranchised from the electoral process? Corporations should not be barred from registering to vote – and I mean corporations big and small! Why, I might just go out and sign the paperwork to create a few small corporations myself (call it a “litter” I suppose), and I’ll fully expect that my baby corps will be able to exercise their constitutional rights (although I suppose they may have to wait til their eighteenth birthdays).

  Along these lines, I daresay I hope I’ll live to see the first corporate-american President. After the court’s decision this week, I feel more optimistic than ever that we’re on the way (so long as a valid American birth certificate can be produced, of course).

• Jobs! I have no doubt that if a corporate-person applied for virtually any job in the classifieds, they wouldn’t even get an interview. Hell, the prejudice is so pervasive that I bet McDonald’s wouldn’t even hire a corporate-person as a burger flipper (which is doubly tragic, because they’d be committing an act of discrimination against their own people!). It’s time for a civil rights march on Washington demanding affirmative action. These overlooked citizens need jobs too (as well as the right to collectively bargain, but first thing’s first, I suppose).
• Bring on the entitlements! Medicare! Foodstamps! Unemployment! Not exactly sure how it’ll all work, but regardless, no class of persons should be discriminated against when it comes to our social programs.

I thank god that the Supreme Court, in its unquestionable wisdom and undeniable logic, has taken another major step towards righting these, and other wrongs. In fact, I’m starting a new corporation – a nonprofit, actually – to further the Supremes’ message and continue the struggle.

I’ll be sure to let readers know when the christening will be held.

(Crossposted at HuffPo)