Governor George Aiken, pictured above, is known for having coined the term “Northeast Kingdom” but a lesser known fact is that he stole that term from Green Mountain Daily

Green Mountain Daily, one of Vermont’s most venerable institutions, has decided that it is no longer financially viable to maintain a print operation and will therefore, as of April 1, 2009, move to an online-only presence.  

Green Mountain Daily started out as a small operation and continued in that vein for its first 4 decades or so, focusing on local news stories and bovine interest material.  Seeing as how cattle outnumbered humans in the state, we thought that was the best way to get a serious market share.  We realized quickly, however, that as much as we liked writing for our bovine sisters, their interest was limited to grass forecasts and conspiracy theories about the slaughterhouses sanctuary houses.

We then switched first to fisher interest stories, but when the fishers were wiped out, we went for porcupine interest stories, briefly to beaver interest, back to fisher interest when people brought back the fishers to deal with the porcupine problem, and eventually, settled on human interest.  Everyone on staff remembers fondly the headlines on December 7th, 1941, “Local Firefighter Saves Kitten.”

But when, several weeks later, we learned that America was at War, we sprung into action and the nature of the paper changed.  With war came a new responsibility to respect our nation and promote its interests.  Thus, with the nation gripped by war, Green Mountain Daily, decades ahead of its time, instituted its own “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy and thus a new era was born.

When it came time to testify before HUAC, not only did we do our duty to name names, we went above and beyond the call of duty, naming each other, Pete Seeger, Ronald Reagan and the entire starting lineup of the Chicago Bears.

With the fifties came the rise of communism and a new enemy to fight, and Green Mountain Daily was there.  Yes, not only did Green Mountain Daily show up when subpoenaed, several of us camped out on the steps for days before, just to get the opportunity to name names before anyone else could rat us out first show us up in our patriotic duty.

With the sixties came radical change and Green Mountain Daily’s prestige and power grew over the years, becoming one of the most profitable papers in the state.   Once Jamaica, Victory and Granby joined the electric grid, we were able to finally reach the entire state through our high-tech ahead of the time phone tree system, in which we would each call seventeen people, who would call seventeen other people, and eventually find someone who had Prince Albert in a can.

Vermont’s first Democratic governor in more than a decade was elected, prompting us to change with the the times.  Green Mountain Daily paid for and constructed our own “We’re with Hoff!” bulletin board which stayed on the I-91 corridor until its decimation at the hands of a horde of angry beavers.   (A little known fact: the 1968 law against bulletin boards in Vermont was not as much a beautification plan as it was an attempt to curtail the burgeoning beaver population which was growing faster than the Vermont economy is today).

Green Mountain Daily has never before abandoned its print edition, save for a 3-day period when a cooling tower leak caused us to shut down our printing service for several days.  We learned from this mistake and eventually moved towards a non-nuclear printing press system.   We once again would like to apologize to the families of the deceased.

With the 1970’s came further change.  Public radio was introduced to the airwaves and Green Mountain Daily was there, with our hour-long variety and news show, which lasted until its tragic demise caused by a combination of poor ratings and an on-air barrage of obscenity from popular host J.D. Ryan (note: Ryan never fully recovered from the incident, and is still known to shout obscenities at passing politicians he encounters on the Burlington waterfront).

With the 1970’s also came Ben & Jerry’s ice cream (or, as we prefer to call them, the Great Chunky Monkey Satan), bell-bottomed pants (or, as we prefer to call them, the Great Denim Satan) and the movie Dog Day Afternoon, which would have cast Caoimhin Laochdha in a starring role, had not that hack Pacino slept with one of the producers.

The 1980’s made for a return to simpler times, with simpler ideas, simpler rhetoric and the one-hit wonder Simple Minds.  It also made for Green Mountain Daily’s brief but ill-fated attempt at a weekly television show, which might have survived if not for an on-air rant in favor of marijuana legalization on the part of popular host John Odum.  We’re not sure, but we think the five minutes of obscene gestures probably hurt us a little bit as well.

The nineties were a great time for Green Mountain Daily.  Intrepid followers that we were, we took our leadership from the White House, and declared the office free from all (remaining) sexual mores and restraints.  Unfortunately, however, we made the mistake of firing our legal team when they objected to this policy and the lawsuits that followed took their toll.

Green Mountain Daily members were always glad to throw on some body armor, grab a few billy clubs, and help out the local police in beating up protesters.

With the next century came a new president and a new governor and once again, where others merely led, Green Mountain Daily led in following.  We took to the streets among the protestors and successfully broke up several attempts at freedom of speech insurrection against the government.

It is a matter of extreme frustration to GMD member Euan Bear that this has been interpreted as protest.  In context, it is clear that she is just trying to negotiate a trade agreement with a heterosexual couple, which was ultimately rejected (they considered it a “distraction”).

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Other highlights of Green Mountain Daily’s History:



1928: Calvin Coolidge becomes president.  Keeps bragging about it until Ed Garcia punches him in the face.  We barely hear a word from him again.

1950: Marlboro music festival established.  GMD reports that “this newfangled music will last na’ry a week.”



1953 – S.S. Ticonderoga makes last steamboat trip on Lake Champlain before being bombed by GMD in an ill-fated attempt to start a war with Plattsburgh.



1974 – Senator Patrick Leahy elected.  GMD lead editoral: “Do the Irish have too much power?”



1995 – GMD pens editorial lamenting our lack of access to cheap plastic crap and low-paid workers.



1996 – Vermont loses status as only state in union without a Wal-Mart. GMD takes credit.

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As this decade comes to a close, financial problems have plagued the organization.  Whether as a result of poor circulation, lack of consumer interest, or the multilevel Ponzi scheme orchestrated by GMD treasurer Julie Waters which left the organization crippled and bankrupt, we can no longer afford to maintain our physical presence.   We bid fond farewell to our remaining readers (you’ve been great.  Both of you) and would like to thank our advertiser for its continuing support.  We were glad to be a proud member of the Green Mountain Urinal Cakes family and wish you continued success.