Saying “we have to act quickly before the institution fails completely,” a bipartisan group of Senators is pushing a $750 billion bill to bail out marriage after its unprecedented collapse in the wake of gay and lesbian rights victories. Starting with civil unions in Vermont, followed more recently by full-blown same-sex wedlock in Massachusetts and Connecticut, marriage has been dealt crushing blows in recent years, with little end in sight.

The collapse, predicted by many, has been devastating. Divorce rates since the implosion of the marriage system have multiplied by a factor of 10. Most marriagists blame the new universal acceptance of the “gay lifestyle” in the wake of these laws, which have caused nearly 75% of all married men to experiment sexually with other men, and up to 50% going gay completely (with that number expected to increase). “I just never thought of it as an option,” one anonymous ex-husband was quoted as saying. “Now that there’s no social stigma attached, why not decide to crave male genitalia? I only chose the straight lifestyle because I didn’t really know about penises!”

It’s even worse for women, as – according to some reports –  up to 80% of wives and prospective wives have reportedly decided to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.

The future is not looking much better for marriage, as the shockwaves of the collapse have impacted the schools. Graphic sex education is now mandatory for most kindergartners, with strict drag-dress codes being enforced in public schools from coast to coast.

The bailout bill itself will aim to keep marriage from collapsing entirely. Combined with the recent marriage stimulus bill – which targeted spending towards marriage creation, including significant spending on heterosexual infrastructure – leaders in Congress are confident that the marriage collapse can be stopped, and ultimately reversed. The bailout itself will create a “bad church” which will be able to absorb the bad marriages under other denominations – marriages that have become worthless given the collapse of the matrimonial institution. This should restore liquidity into the traditional wedding system and offset the problems caused by the same-sex oriented marriage deregulation trend of the last decade.